Red Thread to Sophia

A new approach

2007-12-01T08:07:00.000-08:00

I'm ditching this blog and have started a new one. It's just a healthier way for me to go. Instead of crying, bitching, and raging I want to just start new. It will be more about the experience rather than the exposed wound known as me. So if you want to check it out feel free.

www.evolutionarydeadend.blogspot.com

Q & A

2007-09-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

The phone rings, who do you want it to be? Ang. It's not like we aren't talking. Just not enough lately.

When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Not to the actual store, but totally to the cart corral thing.

In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener? Depends on who is there. I can be the total wall flower, but for the most part I can't keep my trap shut.

Do you take compliments well? Depends on what the compliment is.

Do you play Sudoku? No, I've never tried it.

If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? UMMMM....... Really no. I refuse to pee in nature. My idea of roughing it is a night without cable.

Do you like nipple rings? I'm not into them, but what ever gets you off.

Did you ever go to camp as a kid? I was 18 for my first and LAST camping trip. Not my bag.

What was your favorite game as a kid? I was rather skilled in the art of TV tag.

Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? Yup. I'm always interested in different beliefs.

Do you like to pursue or be pursued? To be.

Do any songs make you cry? Since everything makes me cry I'll say yes. I'm not a big fan of country music in general, but just thing of Reba's song All Dressed Up and No Where to Go brings the pins and needles feeling to my eyeballs.

Are you continuing your education? No. I wanted to but the idea of it freaks me out too bad.

Do you know how to shoot a gun? Are you kidding? Every male member of my family belongs to the NRA. Not even remotely interested myself.

If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grab? Tivo

Do you think more about the past, present or future? Hummm..... I'm not really sure. I think about them pretty equally.

Favorite children’s book? The Very Quiet Cricket.

What color are your eyes? Blue/Grey

How tall are you? 5'6

Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yep.

Where was the furthest place you traveled today? To work

Do you like mustard? Just a little bit.

Do you look like your mom or dad? Mom

How long does it take you in the shower? Generally about 15 minutes, but I prefer to stay in till I drain the hot water entirely.

Can you do splits? No, I'm not quite that bendie

What movie do you want to see right now? Super Bad

What did you do for New Year’s? That was almost a year ago, I so cannot remember.

Do you think The Grudge was scary? It started out that way.

Do you own a camera phone? Nope.

Was your mom a cheerleader? No, she was more of a wild child.

What’s the last letter of your middle name? E

How many hours of sleep do you get a night? 8

Do you like care bears? Now no, but back in the day they totally rocked.

What do you buy at the movies? BIG water

Do you know how to play poker? No.

Do you wear your seatbelt?: Absolutely. You’re a fool not to.

What do you wear to sleep? Tshirt and shorts these days

Is your tongue pierced? Nope.

Do you like Liver and Onions? Nope.

Are you in love? YES!!!

Do you like funny or serious people better? Funny!

Ever been to L.A.? Only driven through.

Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? 99 cents at a time, on iTunes.

Are you a gullible person? More often than not.

Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy? No, and I don't get people that do. I'm with Frenchie because I want to not because I need to.

If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be? Interior designer.

Are you easy to get along with? I think so.

What is your favorite time of day? mid day

Would you rather sleep alone or with someone? With my big boy.

Would you give up the one you love/care for the most to become immortal? Never.

What animal are you most like? Not a clue.

What kind of tea do you like the most? Iced peach

Do you laugh at peoples’ stupidity? Yes, but they laugh at me too so it's all good.

Do you feel guilty for doing so after you’re done laughing? Not really.

Welcome to my NEW world -

2007-09-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

I took some time off from blogging to change some things about myself. I left my job of the last nine years. My job was so much more than my job. It was something that I created and brought to life. I loved it very much for a long time. When that love faded I could not let go. I let it almost ruin me. It was a big deal for me to leave, but I FINALLY did it. I have taken a position that pays MUCH less, but in the end I'm getting back so much more. The world of work no longer sits on my shoulders. I'm very happy with this change. Frenchie is so proud of me. That right there was worth it. At my new gig I have decided NOT to tell people about our adoption. There will be no more questions and answers that make me so emotional. I'll be able to put it out of my mind as much as I can. I still think about it every five minutes, but that's much better than it was. Instead of sitting in my office all day alone and left to my thoughts of hurt about the adoption wait I am now surrounded by people. It's really hard to dwell on your own issues when there are people all around you. I won't be able to go so deep into myself. Less me time is a good thing. I really feel like I'm in a great place. Leaving my job was the most drastic thing that I could have done. I did it and feel like a different person.
I'm not really sure what this means for my blog. What will I talk about if not self pitty?

Blogging blues -

2007-08-01T13:24:00.000-07:00

Hi I am a blog reading whore and have been for several years. There is a blog that I read just about every day. I have been reading that blog since before they went to China to pick up their daughter. So it caught me off guard when the chick blogged about it being their two year anniversary (forever family day) with their daughter. WTF? Has it been that long? Have I really been here reading about other people's families for more than two years? Wow, I'm totally loyal yet pathetic at the same time. I'm not really sure what to think. Have these blogs helped me to cope with my own adoption or do I just have some family "voyeur" kink? Hell, even if it's the kink I really doubt that will stop me.

Support -

2007-07-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

There was a message on my machine when I got home last night. It was from a lady that does this support group thing for waiting families at my adoption agency. She sounded super nice. She wants us to call her back and let her know how we are doing. I really don't want to call her back. I'm not sure what to tell her my feelings are. Do I talk about the months that I spent crying when the wait started to stretch out? I don't really do that any more. Do I tell her my excitement over planning our future family? I don't do that any more either. In fact, I really don't do much of anything at all. I avoid all adoption discussions like the plague. I think of Sophie's nursery as a big joke any more. I had spent all that time and money to have a room that we don't use and that we don't even like to go into any more. My day dreams have stopped, but on the up side so have my tears. So that leaves me with this very matter of fact non-emotion thing going on. I'm not really sure that this chick wants to talk about my lack of feelings. So I'm not really sure what I want to do about this call yet. There had been another one about a month ago that I just ignored. Since she's calling again I have a feeling that this could just continue on until I do talk to her. I don't want to be rude in any way to her. It really is a lovely thing that she's doing. It's just not what I need any more. I'm not angry. I'm not excited. I'm not much of anything. It's my old war wound. It about killed me at the time, but now it's numb. I know that it is there, but I just try to hide the scar the best I can and get on with life.

We're Out!

2007-07-27T11:28:00.000-07:00

Late last night Frenchie woke me up from a deep sleep to let me know that CCAA had published that we were out of the review room. So what does this mean? Well, the review room at CCAA is where they check out your dossier. They are looking into your file and deciding to approve or decline you. If they ask you any questions that can be tough too. Even if they decide after getting your answers to let you stay then your file can be pushed back into the pile by one month or several. The fact that we are not only out of the review room, but that we made it without any questions is all very good.

Getting through the review room doesn't mean that we should expect a referral any time soon. I honestly think that we will be waiting at least another two years.

My Momma Said -

2007-07-17T11:37:00.000-07:00

It just hit me that we passed our 13 month LID anniversary date without me even realizing it. I remember back in the day when the wait was said it was going to be 14 months. I was so upset by that. It literally hurt me. Then it was going to be 18 months and I cried for days and days. Now I'm thinking that we'll pass way over 2 and more like 3. It kinda makes me laugh in a strange way. This reminds me of when I was a little girl. If I was going on crying about something (that was probably over dramatic) my Mom would say "If you don't quit I'll give you something to cry about!". So I feel like China is my Mom giving me something to cry about. Don't worry no tears or anything like that. Just noticed the date is all.

I have to go out of town for some business for the rest of the week. Next month I'm heading to Chicago for work. I'm going with people! I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but I haven't gone with people in some time. I'm happy that of the group (I'm the youngest) that I'm really the one that is the most educated about the subject matter. I love looking smart and showing what I can do in front of my peers that would have no idea that I'm actually really good. I have only met 1 of the 3 ladies that I'm going with, but everyone seems cool. I'm honestly looking forward to it.

Pretty in pink?

2007-07-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

Mom wasn't happy about the way I changed my blog. Let's see if she likes the pink any better.

Evolutionary Dead End -

2007-07-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

I love mean wit. I don't even mind if it's directed at me as long as it's funny. Hell, I'll probably laugh harder than anyone. So Frenchie this weekend told me that it was probably a good thing that I was an "evolutionary dead end". I laughed so hard that it hurt a little. I was so proud of him. He's not a guy that comes up with too many clever digs so it's important that I praise him for his meanness. Besides, what good is infertility if you can't have fun with it?

I love you sweetie! Keep up the good work!

Inquiring Minds -

2007-07-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

So last night I had a follow up appointment with my new dentist. I had been in last week and the guy was nice enough, but when I went in last night you would have thought I was famous. The doctor jumped me walking in to door with "You didn't tell me that you were Frenchie's wife!". Funny thing is that it's not the first time that it has happened. We used to go to the same salon, but at different times. While just chatting the stylist she exclaimed that I was married to Frenchie. She felt that he was the sweetest man and that I was a lucky girl. She went on to tell me that Frenchie always talked about me. I can't help but to want to be a fly on the wall when he is talking about me. I mean it's not like I expect him to go around saying things like "Well she gets on my last nerve, but she's a wildcat in the sack.", that's really not his style. I just want to know exactly what he is saying. Does he tell them that I'm the best person he knows, a vision of loveliness, and his soul mate or does he tell the truth? Does he tell the stylist that if he walks out of there with stupid hair that I'll make fun of him for weeks? Does he tell the dentist that he could never inflict the remotely the pain that he goes through everyday with me? I just want to know!!!

I'm very excited today. We are having our new windows installed for the main floor of our house. It's so expensive but so needed. Our house is about 30 years old and I really don't think that the windows had ever been replaced until we started last year. They were in some really bad shape. The thing that I hate the most was that they ALWAYS looked dirty. I like to keep a clean house, so that's a big deal for me. Now my new clean windows will actually show that they are clean.

Shane and I hung out on Wednesday. You know that we had to go and see Fifi and his giant shark schlong again. We were seated in a new area for us. My favorite in that section of the aquarium is a HUGE puffer fish that I have named Talula. Oh, and there is a little orange fish that is missing an eye. Shane named him One Eye Willie. It's always fun to go. Good food, good atmosphere, and great company. It's so hard these days to be with the friends that you just can't live without. Everyone has got their own thing going on and it's not always easy to get any time with them. I'm thrilled that Shane and I have made promises that we will do what ever it takes to make sure that we do have time together. We really had not spent that much time together since fall of last year. So it really means a lot to me that we are both in that mind set that we will not let that happen again.

Who is really the offender?

2007-07-11T15:18:00.000-07:00

Just like everyone else in my town this was taped to my door a few weeks ago. It instantly reminded me of the movie Little Children with my girlfriend Kate Winslate. Excellent flick if you have not had the chance. Anyway, it made me laugh. I realize that was the exact opposite intention. Really? They want to "fined" out who these people are. Then it actually struck me to be upset about this, but once again, not in the way that it was intended to. I was pissed at whom ever did this. It's a total fear tactic. The best part is that we went to the website. It's FEE service that allows you to check your zip code for offenders in your area. It's a monthly deal so that you can check your hood when ever you need to feel unsafe in your own home. They provide this lovely service for $4.95 per month. I was reading an article today about how this played out in other homes. You know, since we just laughed a lot about the "fined" in ours. There were 911 calls from freaked out kids whose parents were not home. There was undue stress and fear for hundreds of families. So basically this stunt caused a lot of drama for a lot of people. Even if we had kids I truly think that I would feel the same way about it. I do believe that as a parent that it is important to be aware of what is going on. I just can't stand this drive to make money off of a bunch of freaked out families. Also, the term sex offender is a pretty wide array of people. It can be anything from a serial rapist to a minor that decided to be a dumb ass. The latter actually has happen in my own family. The boy was 13 and was dared to go honk the boob of a girl in his class that he had a crush on. The girl went home crying and mortified, as I would have at that age. Her parents filed sexual harassment charges against the boy. He is now classified as a sex offender. NO JOKE! So what do we know about these sex offenders? Nothing. Other than we need to assume the worst. We need to exile them. We need to show up on a mob and force them out. I don't know where the line is drawn. I think that you should be aware, but when is it just going too far? All I know is that this flier was too far for me. It doesn't help that they spelled it "fined"!

2007-07-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

I decided to change the background for this blog. I think that it looks happier.

We have hired a person to take over my current position. I'm not sure when they start, but I feel a relief already. All the applicants that we interviewed already work for the company. So I already new before interviewing who would be hired since we already knew the people before we even started. In our situation it's important to look at more than qualifications. The last thing we need in our department is any more drama. I think that some people can slowly poison the people around them.

My plan is still to leave and take the package as soon as that time comes. I can't help but to hope that is sooner rather than later. It's really my chance to leave and not feel bad about it. I have become the person that I am partly due to working here for the last nine years. It has made me strong. It has made me independent. It's not like I'm not aware of this. I just need to break away. This job has been too much for too long. I'm excited at the prospect of leaving. I'm sure that I'll shed some tears about leaving, but most of them will be filled with joy.

2007-07-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

Ayden's first birthday was great! He got tons of cool stuff and lots of attention. There is just no way to not love that kid. He was super cute eating his little cake that I made him. He's such a big boy! He's trying so hard to walk and talk. You really can't imagine a happier little man. I totally can't help it, my BFF stole my heart long ago. I just can't see him giving it back any time soon.

We were all very happy to make it through Ayden's birthday without him having to share it with his soon to be baby sister. Tosha just needs to make it a couple more weeks. That way the baby should be healthy enough to be able to go home. This is very good news.

Flower Power -

2007-07-06T14:24:00.000-07:00

Just got a delivery of beautiful sun flowers for my 9 year anniversary here at work. I realize that the company picked up the bill, but I know that it was Z that picked them out just for me. Thanks Deb! Your the best!

My Vajayjay -

2007-07-06T10:25:00.000-07:00

So good news! No surgery for me! I know that I never really went into any details of my "health issues" from a few weeks ago and now I don't really have to. Turns out that what is not normal for those of you that can have kids is totally normal for me. Still, I had to have yet another ultra sound. No, I'm not talking about the nice one they side over your belly. I'm talking about the one that uses a wand with a condom and lots of lube that goes up your vajayjay. Not so much fun. It's awkward as all get out and feels like bad sex. This one was really bad. The ultra sound chick asked me to insert the wand myself! I felt totally dirty and violated, but like I violated myself. It's wrong I tell you. Wrong! I'm still totally thrilled (while at the same time dirty and violated) that I don't have anything to worry about. My gyno is totally cool. I really dig her a lot. I'll be honest , I think that she's completely beautiful and that makes me feel creepy. It's really not right to have a girl crush on the chick giving you a pap. You know?

PS - We'll be heading out tonight for BFF's birthday. I get to make out with my little man! He's way too big for shaken baby, but I'm sure that we can find a new horrific sounding game to play.

My Thank You -

2007-07-05T17:52:00.000-07:00

I came home tonight to a thank you card. I know that it's totally silly, but this card really did make my day. When you get married there are hundreds of thank yous to send. It's not always so personal. Her card really did make me feel special. Here it is:

Hey Fool (as you would say).......
Thank you for the sheets, just so that you know they are already on the bed. The picture frames will be a nice addition to the blue and brown decor. (HA HA) Look at me sounding like I know what I'm talking about. I just wanted to say thanks for being a big part of my planning, also for helping me to make a final decision on a dress. When I leave the company I will keep in touch especially since you are one of my favorite people EVER.
Shayna

See, wouldn't that make you feel great too? I really do LOVE Shayna. She's moving to another state soon. I'll miss her so much. She is the person that I chat with most at work and our schedules only overlap by two hours. It's not that everyone else totally sucks. It's that she is so much fun to play with. So there you have it, I'm that damn easy to make feel warm and fuzzy.

Referrals

2007-07-05T12:32:00.001-07:00

I forgot to announce earlier that referrals this month have been sent. It looks like they got through 11/14/05. November seems to be a huge month so we'll see how many months it takes CCAA to get through this one. Since my LID is so far out I like to keep an eye out on Margo's. I'm not trying to be negative nelly or anything, but I really can't see her referral coming in this year. I really and truly hope that I'm totally wrong! Her LID is 01/06, so at least by the time that they get to her they'll be referring the same year as us at least.

It's funny. If I could go back in time I would have never told anyone about our adoption. Why is that so funny? Well, I'm about to tell you about our second...... Frenchie and I have a deal that when we can get $5000.00 set aside, we will start on TBD. Yes, we have named the new imaginary child TBD. The scoop is that we have several paths that we want to peak down before we fully decide where we are going. Neither one of us have any racial hang ups so that leaves us pretty open. To be totally honest I think that starting a second adoption would certainly help to cope with the current wait for Sophie. That's not why we are doing it. We had always planned on TBD once we had Sophie home. Since that's not happening any time soon we have decided to push the plan forward a little bit. We just want to be a family. I'd like for that to happen before we hit retirement age.

Big Bang -

2007-07-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

Sure it's been a while since I posted, but I'm not so sure I have had anything to say.

I just found out today that we are in the REVIEW ROOM at CCAA. To be honest, that freaks me out. I'm happy to be getting it over with, but I do wish that we'd be out of there already. I don't want to hear anything other than they have passed our LID. The thing is that if they have any questions about our dossier it would delay our referral or even worse, they could decline us. So lets just all pray that they get through us quickly with no questions.

I didn't exactly have a bang up 4th. Frenchie had to work for most of the day. So I spent way too much time with myself doing the worst thing possible.....thinking. Holidays are so hard for me. I get so jealous of those people that get to celebrate with their kids. It feels like that may never happen for me. I was so mad about it all yesterday. My sister Amy left a message on my machine. She was just as happy as she could be. I mean I would be too if I were her. It's her daughter's first Independence Day. But it just pissed me off to hear that high in her voice since I felt so low. It would have different if I had been around other people to take my mind off of it, but that didn't happen. So basically I was just an angry girl that felt sorry for herself.

We are officially interviewing people to "take my job". I think that we'll make a decision today. I'm thrilled about all this. I'm drowning in work and it feels like someone is throwing me a life preserver. Also had my 9 year review. I finally got a real raise again. I had hit the ceiling years ago and they just brought that up. So that means that I just some much needed extra moola in my check. Seriously I have been in this position for 9 years!!! Little Andy is the only person I know my age that has kept a job as long as I have. The job I had before here was 5 years. Considering that I'm 31, I think that pretty freakin impressive.

It's Ayden's first birthday on 7/7/07. His baby sister is due in a couple of weeks. I think that he is going to be a great big brother. I miss him so much. I feel like I'm missing the funnest part of him. He's learning to walk and talk. He's even better looking if that is possible. I'll make his first birthday cake ever. I can't wait to see him dig into it.

My weekend -

2007-06-25T15:49:00.001-07:00

Pride - I didn't make the Gay Pride Parade this year. Too bad really, I always laugh and have a great time. Shane and I did make it to a gay club. We met up with Jabon, Wendy, and their dates. I really have to say that I always have more fun in gay clubs than I do in straight ones. There is no stress or worry. I can look like total crap and it really doesn't matter. The music is better. The atmosphere is better. It's really just a much better way to go.

Cirque - Frenchie took me to the Cirque Du Soleil showing on Corteo. We always go to the Cirque shows when ever they are in town. Always great. Corteo was the first one that I had seen with English. That was new for me. This was my favorite of all the traveling shows. The little person known as Valentina would be the reason for that. I LOVED HER!!! Go see it if you get a chance.

Chalk - After the show Frenchie and I went to see the street chalk drawings in Larimer Square. Totally cool. Those people spend two full days completing something that will wash away. Some of them are really something to behold. I made Frenchie take some pics with his phone. I want to get them on here so that you can see.

Total Randomness -

2007-06-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

My arms, chest, knees, and nose have had this not-quite-rash-thing for days now. Strange.

Shane, Frenchie, and I had dinner at the Aquarium last night. It's silly, but totally fun. I have named the big shark Fifi and the giant tattoo fish is Bruno. Shane and I went a couple of weeks ago. We had such a great time that we totally plan on doing it all the time. PS - We had originally thought that Fifi was actually giving birth to a new baby shark. Turns out that Fifi is a boy shark with a GIANT schlong. No baby. All schlong.

My new shampoo smells like pez, you know, the candy. So I dig the smell but I don't like the results.

Our A/C is not working correctly in my office. I stole a fan from the night people, but my ass still sweats into my chair.

I've lost enough weight (20lbs) that I can shop at Ann Taylor again. That makes me very happy, but my bank account very sad.

Concern is growing over my receding gums. Will the just keep going?

That is why I blog -

2007-06-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

So I feel much better than I did yesterday. I'm sure that the reason for that was my outburst here on MY blog. I'm so very thankful that I have my own place to get angry, but most of all be honest about my feelings at the moment. I prefer being a crazy bitch here than being a crazy bitch in real life. I am yet again having a hard time with this wait. My preference is not not talk about it to anyone and everyone, but lately I have not had that option. No matter how politely you try to divert away from it there are people that will not leave it alone. It offends me that there are people out there that really believe that they are "in" this with us. They will then tell me how they are coping with our adoption wait. It invalidates my own feelings and make me angry. It's Frenchie and I, that's it. We certainly have many loving and supporting people around us, but it's really just me and the big guy. It's our empty home and hearts.

I keep forgetting to write about my NEW FRIEND so I'll do that now. Her name is Yen and she is Chinese. Even better than that she is Michael and Kacey's mom. I LOVE her, really I do. She is so open and cool. I was thrilled when she said she would be happy to look over our referral stuff when that time comes. She is very excited about us adopting from China. It really means a lot to me that I have this bond with her.

My vent -

2007-06-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

I didn't have too much to say about our one year anniversary on Friday. Today I'm not having that problem. I'm pissed and I need to vent.

I really don't want to hear any whining on "our" behalf. The truth of the matter is that it is NOT you going through it. I don't want to hear how YOU are being patient. In fact I don't want to hear anything. IT"S NOT ABOUT YOU!!! I don't care about what you are not understanding. Let's face it, you'll know if I wanted to talk about the adoption. If I don't mention it for months then I probably don't want to discuss it. I have been bombarded with questions and other's feeling. If you honestly can't think of anything else to say then for the love of god don't say anything. We will not be parents soon. Please stop! Just stop!

One Year

2007-06-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

I've had some health issues this week so I haven't really cared about blogging. I did want to take just a moment to recognize that it has officially been one year today that we have been logged into China. No emotions today (yet). I'm hoping that my lovely husband and I can do something to acknowledge it. Maybe we can start something new as well.

Have a great weekend and I promise to try and blog more next week. I know that I have been a total slacker.

Love ya,
Moll

The Circle -

2007-06-11T13:59:00.000-07:00

The Birth -
Tim and Little Miss Russia welcomed baby girl Anna into the world on 5/25/07. I talked to everyone over the phone that night and was so happy for them. That was pretty short lived since I woke up sobbing and feeling sorry for myself. I hate it that I'm really this selfish.
The Death -
My Poppa passed away on 5/30/07. As much as I felt sorry for myself about the baby, it didn't even compare. I feel like I have lost more than my lovely grandfather. I feel like I lost a family or that part of myself.
The Union -
My mini-me Shayna married high school sweet heart Chris on 6/9/07. Really all I can think of was how beautiful my little friend was. The tom-boy turned hottie in a big way. No joke on the mini-me part. I stuck out my tongue while walking down the isle to a friend. I had to do something to break the tension I was feeling in my toes. Well, Shayna did the same thing and even her reason was the same.

So my vacation was truly a life lesson I guess. I'm not trying to be negative nelly, but damn I have had better vacations.

Oh, I did get to finally meet my niece Isabelle. She's built like her Auntie M, a chub. So cute. So sweet. So endeared to me.

I guess that referrals came out while I was out. They only went to 11/7/05. I figure that it's way better than the last, but it's still way bad. At that pace we'd get our referral in like 32 months from now. So yeah, really not good news.

I'm not sure if I had mentioned yet or not that my office will be closing down no later than March of next year. I have been offered the ability to work from home. Don't worry, I don't hate myself that much. I'll take the package and try something else. I'd like to go back to school or start something completely new.

Quick entry -

2007-05-22T15:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I haven't had much to say. I'll start some much needed time off on Friday. I'm not really sure if I'll blog while I'm out or not. With everything thing going on with my Grandpa it's not been easy. It's all that I can think about.

I don't have any adoption news or anything. They are saying that it could go up to three years. We are almost through one. Frederic and I did some talking and some research this weekend on other areas that we might look into further. I'm certainly interested in pursing another adoption while staying in China. I never really understood what this would be like. I fear that if we don't try something new soon that this will be it for us. I think that these days we have forgotten what is at the end of this long wait. We don't have the same excitement and thrill that we did even six months ago. On the other hand there isn't the same hurt either. I would say it's a fair assessment say that I am numb these days. Really, I think that it's for the best.

Poppa -

2007-05-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

I just don't even know where to start. I received a call last night that my Poppa had a stroke on Monday and has been in a coma for the fast few days. My mind is in a haze really. Poppa is my grandfather through my bio dad's side. To make it clear I have nothing to do with my bio dad. Still, I loved my grandparents. That is a bond that all the drama in the world could break. There are so many things running through my head. Why weren't we told on like Monday? I live in Colorado. He lives in Texas. How else were we going to find out? To be nice I guess, I told my Aunt that I would track my bio dad down. I can't/won't have any contact with him, but I would do my research. So I guess that this is where I tell you that I had to call to find out what prison he was in this time. My heart is in shambles right now. I'm pissed off because it was just last night that was told. I'm ashamed that I had to call and request inmate information. The worst part is that I'm so sad that I cannot manage to make it an hour without a breakdown. I worry that I might not have been a good enough grand-daughter. Did I write enough? Did I show my love enough? Did I try to visit enough? I really don't think so.

Guardians

2007-05-16T07:23:00.000-07:00

So last night Nora and Nate asked if Frenchie and I would be the legal guardians of Baby Belle if something should happen to the both of them. Frenchie was not home, but I knew that I could give answer without him. The reason for that being that I have bitched and carried on that neither one of my sisters had asked us. Really it makes the most sense and I don't care if it sounds conceded. It's true! We are already planning on raising children that were not products of our loins. Frenchie and I are a really great couple. We balance each other out with my play and his structure. I really do know that we will rock as parents. This applies to both sisters, so I am waiting for Amy and Steve to pop the question. I mean, we asked them.

So I know that I sound like a spoiled child, but I am very happy that we were asked. Humm, I should try to remember to tell Frenchie about this. It is an honor and a big decision for them to make. I obviously have wanted this honor for quite some time. It makes my eyes well up with tears just thinking about it. especially since Nate does really know us. I'm not really sure what I look like through his eyes. Considering the only times that we have been around each other have been very abnormal I really imagine that it's good accurate portrayal. So it is a big deal and I do not want anyone to think that I'm making less of a deal about it.

Eleven Months -

2007-05-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

Today marks month eleven since we have been LID. I know that we probably aren't even half way through. At the moment I have no feelings about that. Other blogs that I follow you see a mix of people and their decisions. One dropped out all together and they will most likely become parents before us with their new route. Another couple has decided to pursue another route while still keeping their dossier in China. They too will be parents to the new child before their Chinese daughter. Many have gone the special needs route to get a referral sooner.

Frenchie and I are in talks of discussing the matter. This thrills me. At one point he was not ready to even talk about a discussion at a later time. He is at a point where he is comfortable now. It's been killing me not to push him and to let him come to it in his own time. It really does take a lot for me to hold myself back, but it's worth it. When Frenchie is comfortable too then I know it's right for us. I know that it sounds silly to talk about when and if we might have a talk about stuff. The thing is that we are diving into major life changes here. I can fly by the seat of my pants, but Frenchie certainly has to think thing out thoroughly before proceeding. I have to respect that. Besides, it's not his fault. Not everyone can be as cool as me.

Wicked M-Word Day ....

2007-05-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

Every single year since Frenchie and I decided to have a family I have told myself that THIS is the last year that I will not be a mom on Mother's Day. It's always a very hard day, but each time I sooth myself with the idea that it will be different next year. There have been lots of next years and every year the pain is immense. I did not do that this year. I tried a more realistic approach. There were no promises to myself that I knew would just be broken. I kept so busy all weekend to perhaps keep ahead of it all. It's a hard thing to to hide from your feelings. I don't know how those women like me do it. They always take this very special day and focus on those moms that they love. Maybe I'm just too selfish, but I can't do that. Here is where I confess my sins. I refused to pick up the phone yesterday. I did not even call my own Mom and Grandma. It's not that I wasn't thinking of them and wishing them a wonderful day. Who could not? The thing is that I could not run the risk of them mentioning that it was a first Mother's Day for both my sisters. I would have broken. That would not have made things good with my Mom or Grandma. It would have hurt my Mom to know that I was in pain. My Grandma would have told me to suck it up and then tell me that she doesn't understand why we are going through China anyway. I would have held that against her. Thankfully, my Mom will totally forgive me. Grandma, well she has three kids, eight grand kids, and six great-grand kids. I think that she was busy enough with the rest of them that my non-call will go unnoticed.

After our crazy day we went to dinner down in lodo with Ang. We billed it as a late birthday present and then went to see Wicked. I had way too much to drink at dinner, but I was very thankful about that. It really shaved away from the edges I had been feeling all day. The crab stuffed salmon from McCormick's is my very favorite dish on the planet. I could live on that stuff. So the highlight of it all was Wicked. I LOVED IT. We may have had the worst seats ever (I'm cheap), but it was the best show that I have ever seen hands down. I must see it again and again. For those of you that don't know the story it's about the Wicked Witch of the West pre being melted with a bucket of water. She is the heroin of the story. She was green and because of that the other kids in school made her an outsider. Her roommate Galinda/Glinda was my favorite. I laughed so hard at her. This was seriously the best musical ever. I can't get the Gravity and Popular songs out of my head. LOVED IT!! It was smart and funny and beautiful. I really recommend this to anyone.

TV talk -

2007-05-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have to admit that even I was way shocked and confused about Lost last night. Jacob is a ghost? Maybe just invisible? Maybe just Ben just jacking around with Locke? Still, I end up every thirty seconds telling Frenchie " I told you so". That really doesn't add up to much any more since he started ignoring me long ago. Then again, he is still thinking that they are dead - SUCKA! PS - I hate Jack and Kate!!!

One of my biggest guilty pleasures is the Gilmore Girls. Next week it's over forever. I hadn't hated Rory in a long time, but when she turned down Logan's proposal I wanted to hit a bitch! I know. I know. Yes, I am a little embarrassed but I can no longer hide my love for Gilmore Girls.

They have been playing repeats of Ghost Hunters a lot preparing for the new season. Is it wrong that I now want to move to Rhode Island and become part of the team? Okay, the truth is that I just want to be alone in the dark with Steve. Yummmie!

Oh, and how great has Heroes been! I like that they are finally getting somewhere. It's slightly creepy but future Hiro really kinda does it for me.

Yes, I'd like another -

2007-05-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted lately because I really don't have too much going on. Frenchie seems to be happy going back to his old company. This is just lovely. Also in the lovely department is that we are finally talking about a second adoption. We both agree that we will keep our dossier in China. I will not give up on Sophia. This will sound insane to those of you that don't actually know me, but I can't grieve over the loss of a second imaginary child. That entire ordeal took more out of me than I could have ever believed. I think Frenchie is drooling over the idea of a son too. These days I don't care boy or girl. It would be a dream to have one of each. Hell, it would be a dream to just have one, but if we can pursue two adoptions why not. I really don't care where, race, or gender. I just want us to be a family. The last two months of referrals have been traumatic to say the least. Even the most chipper of China adoption bloggers are completely breaking down. I guess that's the upside of my realistic expectation of our wait. It may kill me, but I never lied to myself about what the wait was going to become.

Perspective -

2007-04-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

I weighed myself before getting in the shower this morning. The exact weight made me laugh. This particular number that I will not share broke my heart when I reached it three and a half years ago. I was devastated to come back from my honeymoon and see THAT number on the scale. I never forgot it. I never forgave myself for it. Naturally, I surpassed that number long ago. This morning as I saw that old familiar number but it was a completely different reaction from the last time that I had seen it. I was thrilled to see it again. Truthfully it was like visiting with an old friend. At my largest I was LARGE. Then I transformed my mind and body into a dieting machine. I have no idea how I did it or how to get that back. I got down to a normal person weight and felt so great about myself. I vowed to never see my weight go up again. HA Ha! The weight came on slow at first, but over time I could pack it on in no time. In the five years that I have moved to Denver I had gained back like forty pounds of the seventy I had originally lost. I see my new dieting struggles in a different light than I did before. I know now that I am not always going to have the same steam and that it is easy to slip back into bad habits. If I should gain back everything I have worked so hard to lose than I need to just learn from it. There is no reason to blame or make excuses. I'm in a much better mind set than I may have ever been in my life. I'm proud of that right now.

Dirty and Orange -

2007-04-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

During my big meeting Friday morning I noticed a spot on my leg. It looked kinda like dirt so I did the lick the thumb and rub it off (like moms do). It didn't come off. I tried again. Nothing. One more time for good measure. Still nothing. I figured that it was just a freaky bruise that I got. I get bruises all of the time and have no idea where they came from. So I really didn't give it much more though than that. Friday night as Frenchie, Tim, and I were headed out for drinks I noticed that the palms of my hands where orange. WTF? I racked my brain trying to think of what I could have gotten into. Not a damn thing came to mind. Saturday when I remembered to check they were even oranger. WTF? Fast forward to Sunday. There is a commercial on TV for this Aveeno lotion that self tans. My first thought is that Aveeno is my favorite lotion and I'm a total mayonnaise white girl, I should totally buy some. DING! DING! DING! I run over to my new bottle of Aveeno lotion and pick it up. Yup! I bought the self tanning stuff without even realizing it. The good news is that it does work. The bad news is that I look dirty and orange. I actually think that it's funny as all get out. I am such a dork.

Bee Our Guest......

2007-04-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

Well Ang and I have finally come up with a name for our invitation business. I feel relieved that we can actually start getting everything started now. We may be moving forward in slow motion, but it's moving. In case you didn't catch it, our name is Bee Our Guest Designs. It was actually kind of silly that we came up with it. We had a bbq Sunday night for Ang's birthday. At the end of the night we were "brain storming" ideas. Basically that consisted of laughing at each others ideas. I have no idea where it came from (she smokes crack) but Ang yells out "Lumier" (sp?), you know the candle stick guy from Beauty and the Beast. We laughed at her, but then I had to sing the Lumier song....Be Our Guest. Then we thought by using Bee that we could make our logo a bee and that it could be our "theme" on our website. It's so damn cute. I had an idea last night to create some lady bug baby shower invitations. Lady bugs are a thing with us China adopters. So I could totally "advertise" them on the China boards. The only thing is that I never actually participate on the boards. I'm all over them every day, but I'm more of a lurker than anything. Still, I think that it could work out well. I'm very excited about all of this. Ang and I really do work well. It's not actually like work really. It's more like hanging out with my dearest friend while we make pretty things. Frenchie may have to buy us a bigger house so that we can have own work room. Okay, probably not going to happen but a girl can dream.

It's my birthday!!

2007-04-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

What a BEAUTIFUL day in downtown Denver. The weather is a lovely 70 degrees. The sun is shinning. The 16th Street Mall is full of every type of person that you could imagine. On every block there is a street musician to serenade you. Still, it's not warm enough to smell the foul and not so mysterious odors to waft from the alley ways. Truly a great day for a birthday. I'm always amazed to hear from so many people with birthday wishes for me. I was out of the office all morning to visit with another company. When I returned this afternoon there were 17 e-cards, 21 personal e-mails, and 12 voice mails all to make me feel special today. It worked. Frenchie gave me a hot pink engraved ipod. Tosh sent me a framed picture of my boyfriend, Ayden. I have received lots of cards. Mom and Dad gave me green (always a good thing). I got an unexpected e-mail from Buff. I feel so wonderful that she remembered me.

My SIL, Isabelle, gave birth on Wednesday to her second son. He looks like a little cutie! So I now have two nieces and two nephews. I think that pretty damn cool.

My entire department and their spouses are coming over this weekend from the Western Slope. Miss Russia and I are sure to fight the entire time. Tim wants to bet with me to see how many times she'll beg me to move to Grand Junction. I say five. He says ten. The best part is that Fartman will NOT be joining us. That in itself is reason to celebrate. I fully expect to have a great weekend. Plus it's Ang's birthday on Sunday so we'll have a bbq for her.

Misc ramblings -

2007-04-19T11:37:00.000-07:00

I read a quote on the RQ today that made me laugh. "The longer you wait, the longer the wait becomes." It just rang so damn true. I turn 31 tomorrow. My big plan was to have a baby by the time I was 30. That never happened so I pushed it back to 31. I've decided not to think about that any more. As our wait continues to grow every day I doubt that I will ever be a mom.

I've been keeping an eye on the boards about India. I guess they are about to open up their international adoption in a big way. Not that this really has anything to do with adoption, but I have always dreamt of India. I would love to be able to go some day. I have these big romantic images of India.

I crashed my hard drive at work this week. Everyone keeps asking me how I did it. We'll I don't so much have an answer. I'll admit that the first day was kinda nice. I got to just hang out at work and play for the day while getting paid. Day two sucked ass! I was so damn whiny about it. You know that when you are annoyed by yourself you have crossed a whining line. I'm almost fully running today. It's been nice. My entire adult life has been filled with computers. Being without one left me crippled. I use my computer to work, spell, calculate, communicate, research, and play. It's really crazy how dependant I have become on it.

Very Very Bad -

2007-04-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

Friday:

I'm an ass - Yes folks I made my Mom cry. Do you ever think that you are being cute or funny only to find out that you are a total ass? If so, you know how stupid I feel.

The cake - I honestly don't think that I had made a cake in at least a year. Still, I was sure of my "talent" and didn't feel the need to practice. That should really be a clue that things are about to go very wrong. My bright idea to bake a fudge filled cake was not so pretty to begin with. Add in that I over estimated my skill. It was bad!! Amy and I laughed at my demon duck cake mostly because there wasn't much else for us to do. There was a time that I would have rocked that cake. I guess that my ego was still living in that time. I'm okay with it really. I figure that I'm not going to turn pro any time soon, but Sophie will still have better birthday cakes than all her friends.

Saturday:

The shower - I'm really not proud of this either. It was my first baby shower since all of the infertility and adoption stuff happened. I still was so not ready. I turned off completely. If there were people that I did not want to acknowledge then I just didn't. I faked my "ooohing and awwing". I was like a robot. I'm really ashamed of myself yet again. I tried to disconnect from my own jealousy, but instead disconnected from everything. My body was there, but my soul wasn't. I have no idea how other people handle it all so gracefully.
We had loaded my car with the gifts and I took them back to her house. There were two other Russian chicks there (love them) that were going to hang out with Miss Russia for the afternoon. They had asked me to stay, but instead of politely turning them down I started to cry uncontrollably. I just needed to bolt and melt away from the afternoon, but they were trying to get me to stay. My only saving grace is that I'm a fast thinker and good liar. I told them that I was so excited to see Ayden and that I missed him so much. Where it was true in part, most of it was really because I couldn't deal any more. It was yet another self pity sob session. As I drove away I picked up the phone so that Ang could listen to me cry and feel sorry for myself. This was bad, very very bad. You see, Ang had spent the day with Puff's rugby team. Needless to say she was very drunk. So when I started to sob it made Ang sob. It was ridiculous, really it was. I made her sad and that made me sadder.

Ayden - My eyes, lips, and nose were swollen and red from all the crying when I went to pick up my BFF. I rounded the corner to see that little man who is quickly becoming a big boy. He has teeth and hair! The hair part impresses me the most since the last time I saw him he was suffering from male pattern baldness. No, he did not remember me at first. I had expected it, but it still hurt my feelings. I took him back to Amy's with me. We waled through the door and greeted Amy holding baby Ava. I did know what Ayden's reaction would be, but I was thrilled when he reached up and stroked her tiny shoulder. He's eight months and she's two months so it was so damn cute. They are going to get married and have babies of their own. I'm sure of it. She totally captured his attention. The best part of the night for me was when I fed him. It was the first time that I felt that special connection between us. We locked eye contact for what felt like forever. It was just the same as it used to be. It was just like no time had passed and we were speaking our secret language. It made me feel special again. He knows that I love him and I know that he loves me.

Ava - After I took Ayden back to his mom I was a tired girl. I had already told Amy and Steve that I would take Ava for the night again. I had done it on my last visit too. That first time they seemed kinda nervous about it. This time they were handing her off without a second thought. I know that they appreciate a good night sleep and not having to worry about their baby. I dig the fact that they trust me so much with Ava. Okay, it may not be such a big deal since they are in the next room, but it's still nice. Ava is too young to figure out that she's being passed off and doesn't seem to mind. It took me a while to her her down, but I was fortunate enough that when it happened she was out for the night. I love having a baby sleeping in the room with me. It's not a restful night even when she's out. You have to be aware that she is there. I guess that I just love that feeling of "playing mom". Sometimes it's just something that I need.

Accentuate the positive -

2007-04-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

As you may have guessed, my husband aka Frenchie, speaks with a very thick accent. We have been together for five years and I still struggle from time to time to understand what the hell he is trying to say to me. Miss Russia has a very thick accent as well. She also giggles between every word, so it's an added bonus. Try as I might I can't mimic Frenchie's accent, but I don't have the same issue with that Russian chick. I can't even help it, I have to "do her" while even talking to her not to mention about her. The best part is that she NEVER seems to get that I'm doing it. Then of course that makes me giggle. Between the two of us you would think that we are twelve year old girls at a slumber party with the exception of the name calling and dirty talk. To get to the point, last night Frenchie decided to join in on my fun and "do her" too. I have never heard anything so butchered in all my life. His Miss Russia impersonation was a cross between his own French accent with a Spanish and German twist. I about died. It's like the Govenator meets Antonio Bandaris (as Puss in Boots) meets Michel (from Gilmore Girls). My personal favorite is when he "does" my mom. It's not just the horrifically BAD southern accent that he thinks is so dead on, but his voice goes to the high pitched squeal. I love it that he gets so proud that he has just "nailed" her. He puffs up like a peacock in sheer indulgence of his mimicking genius. God I love that man!

Diet Update -

2007-04-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

I did in fact lose the 4 pounds that I posted about last time. I went in yesterday and gained another pound! I really am doing the best I can. Really and truly I'm being such a good girl. My dream of late is to spend a day eating nothing but cookies, brownies, muffins, and all the other crap that I should not be thinking of. My sexual fantasies have been replaced with food fantasies. Who needs to think about Ryan Reynold's lickable stomach when I can think about licking an ice cream cone? New idea, licking ice cream off of Ryan Reynolds. Genius!!

Hometown Racism

2007-04-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

Ang just sent me a link to an article about my hometown and the racial issues there. Thanks for that hun! So now it's on my mind and I just need to vent. I am ashamed to be frank. Growing up in our small town there was no diversity to speak of. I honestly know of no Jewish families or even non-Christian families. There were like three black families and two Asian families, but that's with a big stretch of the imagination. There was always a growing number of Hispanics moving into the area. The people in town were never shy about their racial feelings of the Hispanic community. I never had those same feelings, but never gave it much thought. It was always understood that we were a redneck town and it had to be expected. Now as an adult I'm sickened by not only the expectation of it, but the acceptance of it. I'm very sad that my hometown is in the news for the racism rising everyday. I don't want to play it off like this is a bad place full of bad people. It was a great place to grow up. You knew everyone in your school and really everyone in town. It's a safe place. It's filled with so many great people, including my parents. I unfortunately know that this stuff happens every where. Racism is not limited to small towns. I'm just really sad that the only thing coming out of the news from my hometown is hate.

Frenchie's new job -

2007-04-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

So I have kept something secret for a little bit that I can finally share. The company that Frenchie worked for when I met him and just left a little over a year ago wants him back. This has been such a hard call for Frenchie. He LOVES the people at his current company. They have been so great and welcoming to him. Frenchie is one of those people that needs to be working with new newest and coolest stuff out there. That's the one thing that he didn't love about the current company. They are content with the technology that they use, but Frenchie doesn't thrive off being content with what is. He thrives on making the new stuff work. The old company has offered him has offered him a position where he will thrive. Plus, the money is not anything that could possibly be turned down. I don't want to sound like a money whore, but who couldn't make that a huge factor. Especially when the new salary is nothing that we could ever pass up. He has accepted the new position and just gave his notice today.

I'm not a perfect wife by any stretch of the imagination. Still, I think that being supportive of my husband is really one of my strong points. It's so important for Frenchie to know that I believe in him. I married this crazy smart man. He really does deserve my admiration. I know that if this new job is something that he feels strongly about that I need to support him. I'm not shy about my opinions and in my own marriage we are a true partnership. I appreciate that without my support that Frenchie would not be so gung ho about making this change. He has always respected my apprehensiveness in the past about other options. So I have to give him a giant thumbs up when it comes to his half of our partnership. I may not be able to contribute financially as an equal partner, but he has never let that diminish my role.

Rug burn -

2007-04-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

Well the two day referral batch is still a rumor at this point. Still, it's not looking good. I'm trying hard not to get upset about it. Tears well up in my eyes every time that I think about it. My eyes sting as I try to fight it back.

My stitches came out just fine. It was like freedom to have them removed.

I'm really working on keeping my strength for Miss Russia's baby shower. I just have this fear that someone will ask me about the wait for our adoption. I realize that the day is not about me, but it's a shower and there will be baby talk all around. Z is very sweet to deal with my stress about it. Even Miss Russia is being super supportive of my freakishness. My sister A will be there to deflect for me too. God love her for that. It will be my first baby shower in four years. I'm hoping that with such great friends there that it will give me the courage to go to more in the future. I really don't enjoy my freak outs and avoiding these types of events.

So I have to laugh at myself. I am extremely clumsy. I was doing some ironing this weekend. I'm not really sure how it happened, but I got super carried away and my iron went flying. It finally hit floor in the hallway. I went and picked it up as soon as it landed, but it was too late. I burned my carpeting. I didn't even know that was possible, but I did it just the same. We have tan berber carpeting, so the burn showed up really badly. It's important to me that my house looks. I'm not like obsessed, but it is a big deal. The burned carpeting was killing me. So my fix was to trim the carpet. Ever try to give a "hair cut" to berber? In case you were wondering it's not so easy. I do have to say that it didn't turn out so bad. You can still see that there is a spot and the texture of the carpet there is like the scratchy side of velcro. So I guess this teaches me to iron in the kitchen for carpet safety sake.

Good Friday -

2007-04-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

Today is a very happy day for me. I get my stitches out! I know it's not normally such an exciting thing, but I'm ready to not feel like Frankenstein. Also, the band aids are killing my skin. My shoulder area looks like I'm a burn victim. I'll be so happy to have all of it done. The tests came back on the samples of what ever they sent in and they were fine. Good news that I don't mind hearing.

I think I'm going to wait till we know for sure before I freak out, but things are not looking good for the next batch of referrals. If the rumors are true and CCAA has only referred two days it will be devastating. Not just for me but for all the people that are waiting right now. Really this is some serious stuff. It's just been a few weeks since my last break down. If they really only matched two days I don't know that I'll be able to pull myself up from that. The wait has had an obvious emotional toll. It's far worse than I imagined it could be. I'm still feeling strong for today, but it's just rumors right now. I'm not trying to set my self up to fall apart like you may think. I just happen to know myself all too well.

Looking for Answers -

2007-04-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those days where I need to feed on information. Perhaps it's because referrals will be coming out soon. I know that there are no answers for me out there, but I still scouer the Internet looking for them. Needless to say I get very frustrated when I can't find what I'm looking for. I have to know the month and year that I'll get my daughter. I'm so mad that I don't know and that there isn't anyone out there that does know. It makes me a crazy person.

Oh, I'm really confused and upset since I'm not sure how it happened, but I GAINED FOUR POUNDS SINCE SATURDAY!!! What the hell? It would be one thing if I had been knowingly bad, but really nothing that would indicate a FOUR pound gain. I really don't know how or why it happened.

Saturday -

2007-04-03T08:33:00.000-07:00

I went to weigh in and found out that I'm officially down 12 pounds. Nothing to brag about yet but I'm very pleased.

After that I went to CC's house to help her paint. CC has a 1918 bungalow. All the details in the house is just crazy to me. I love the old door nobs, moldings, and character of her house. They just spent so much time into making each home special and beautiful back then. It's really something to appreciate.

CC and I had a good time painting and chatting. We took lots of breaks and enjoyed ourselves. It was really a nice day.

Friday -

2007-04-03T08:25:00.000-07:00

Did you know that your nipple "skin" is thicker than your normal skin? I guess I had not put much thought into it. Anyway, in addition to the nipple mole I also had one removed from my shoulder. She did that one first. There were three pokes with the needle to numb the area. No big deal at all. When it came time to numb the nipple it wasn't so swell. She could not get through the skin so easily. That ended up being SIX SHARP JABS to my precious nipple. I have convinced myself that with my stitches that I have Frankenstein boob, but it's not that bad. My nipple is going to be a little misshapened, but nothing too tragic. I'll go this Friday to get my stitches out.

My BFF -

2007-03-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

I miss the way that he laughs and even cries. I miss his smell of baby lotion and freshly spit up formula. I miss that I smell like him. I miss him making that pain face when I sang to him. I miss him raging at me in the car seat. I miss him babbling to me. I miss telling him everything. I miss kissing him. I miss the weight of him in my arms. I miss the way he looks while he's sleeping. I miss our exercise program. I miss the eye connection that we could hold forever. It was this crazy secret language between us. It was a love that was so strong and powerful. I miss holding him so close that he became part of me. I had no idea how much I would fall in-love with my little man that first time that I saw him. The first time that I held him it freaked me out. I'm not even sure that I had even held a kitten that small. His skin was to big for his body. His breathing was irregular. I was terrified by him. The first night that I kept him Ang stayed with me. We really had no idea what we were doing. My maternal instinct was out of town that night. After a few days we started to feel more comfortable. Then one day I realized that this little boy was now apart of my soul. I always tried to make sure that I didn't get too attached. That so didn't work. Ayden is not my child, but I would do anything for him as a mother would. To not feel his skin on mine and feel his breath on my chest is an aching feeling. Lately it's become too much and I need to hold him. I need to kiss him. I need that feeling that he gave me. I feel like I'm a baby junkie and have not had a fix in a while. It's all I can think about. I must be going through detox and soon I'll be sweating, vomiting and shaking uncontrollably. Someone hand me a baby quick. This is just a little too much to take.

I love you BFF!

Tomorrow -

2007-03-29T13:06:00.000-07:00

One more thing! My nipple-ectomy is tomorrow. I'm so freaked out that I have broken out all over. I look like I have chicken pox. Wish my nipple luck!

I hate the way that I feel -

2007-03-29T12:28:00.000-07:00

Frenchie and I were driving home yesterday and had a great talk. It's not very often that he and I are on the same page. He's the level headed one. I'm the emotional one. I started telling him how mad I was at my mom. Don't freak out. My mom did NOTHING wrong. It's not her fault that I'm a nut job. She's in Seattle right now with N and the new baby. She was so excited to tell me about the matching dresses that she bought for her new granddaughters. I tried to smile and fake my enthusiasm, but on the inside I was just boiling. I'm left out of what I want more than anything in the world. I hate hearing about my dreams in my sisters hands knowing that I don't have that and I'm not sure that I ever will. I don't normally share my evil emotions with Frenchie. Still, he was really great and understanding. He even vented to me about the things that his own family says. Just the other day he heard from his pregnant sister. As much as he loves her he faked nice. "Have you heard anything from China?" "I just don't understand why it takes so long!" We had been trying to conceive for four months when she became pregnant the first time. Next month she is due with child number two. She is a lovely person and truly means the best. That does not change the secret anger we have about those comments, especially when it comes from so fortunate. The question and statement above is the most awful thing that is said to us at least a four times a week. We really do understand that people mean well, but it doesn't change the fact that it does us damage every time. I'm not sure what I really want from people. I know that it's not fair to be so upset when people that love you just want to try. I know that it's uncomfortable for them. I wish that I hadn't ever told anyone anything. I wish that I would have never had told people that we were trying to have a baby. I wish that I would have never told people that we couldn't make a baby. I wish that I had never mentioned the adoption. That way it would have saved myself from being so angry at people that are just caring and interested. I can't go back in time. I can't change the way that all of this turned out. I just can't figure out a way to get over my anger yet. So maybe I'm just a big ole nut job and that's who I am now.

PS - Mom, if you are reading this don't be mad. Some days I'm stronger than others. You shouldn't have to not share these things to me that mean so much to you. I have been so overloaded with baby lately. I need to learn to get pass these times on my own. I promise that I'm trying really hard to be a normal person!

The list -

2007-03-29T12:21:00.000-07:00

So I totally just stole this list from someone else's bog. The worse part is that it's all true. These are things that people really say. I remember being on the other side. You know the person that's trying to be nice . It's uncomfortable and your not sure what to say. You try to be positive, deflect from their pain, and you even try to be funny. This list was passed off as a list that stupid people say. I'm just not sure that these are stupid or evil people. In fact I know that they are not. You don't know until you are on this side. On my side we become uber defensive and emotional. I can say this about "my people" because it's true. It hurts and angers us. I just don't know what the right thing to say is. I guess if you are one of "my people" and you know what you want to hear let me know. I'd really like to get past my this side and that side thing that I've got in my head.

1.Asking when we will get pregnant or when we will have another child
2.Constantly asking about our infertility treatments .
3.Making light of a failed cycle ·
4.Saying that you know exactly how we feel ·
5.Saying everything happens for a reason ·
6.Telling us to relax ·
7. Telling us to just adopt and then we'll get pregnant ·
8.Telling us that adoption is the easy way ·
9. Telling us that everyone goes through this it's no big deal.
10.Minimizing our pain in an attempt to make us feel better ·
11. Complaining about your kids, or saying we can have your kids for a while and then we wouldn't want any ·
12. Telling us to be patient ·
13. Telling a parent who's adopting that "you might still have a miracle baby someday" when in an adoptive parents eyes their child is a miracle baby ·
14. Telling us we are "trying too hard" ·
15. Telling us that you know a person who tried fertility treatments for years, but then they finally stopped and got pregnant all on their own ·
16. Relatives insisting that we go to brunches for a holiday celebration with lots of babies and children around, especially when we are in the middle of a treatment cycle or a miscarriage · Saying, "I just don't understand why you just don't adopt" ·
17. Saying "It's just terrible that you can't have any children, because I don't want to use my nanny five days a week anymore, I only want her two days a week, and if you had already had babies by now, we could have shared my nanny" ·
18. Asking every month what is going on ·
19. Coming right out and asking if we are pregnant because we look like we've gained weight (The medication we have to take typically causes weight gain) ·
20. Telling us every time you hear about a new infertility technique that is available. Believe us, we are acutely aware of what is out there and it gets exhausting to constantly hear about it from others ·
21. Telling us that you wish we had children too so our kids could play together.
22. Dwelling on your own children's annoying habits or antics It is painful to us to hear people saying things that we would give anything to experience.
23. Realize that seeing, hearing about, or talking to pregnant women can be very difficult even when it's your own sister or best friend.
24. It can be even more difficult to be around pregnant women that are complaining about being pregnant or are unable to discuss anything other than their pregnancy ·
25. Getting angry or hurt when we don't want to discuss infertility constantly after treatment fails telling us that we probably didn't want children that much anyway, especially if we make the decision not to adopt ·
26. Giving baby products or baby heirloom pieces prior to us being pregnant.
27. Telling other people the "good news" prior to a positive pregnancy result ·
28. Family members saying how desperately they want to be an aunt, grandmother, etc WE already know that you do. ·
29. Speaking of adoption as a second or lesser choice If the resolution is that we do adopt, then we will always remember those words and feel that our adopted child is second rate. ·
30. Although you are trying to help, saying optimistic things like "there is no problem and you'll get pregnant soon" actually makes things worse. It invalidates the biggest struggle of your life at that time ·
31. Telling us we are rude and bad friends if we can't talk to or hold your children ·
32. Bringing up years later how you can't believe we missed certain events due to our infertility treatments. We try very hard to let go of the painful past and it would help us so much if you did too ·
33. Telling us that we're "over-reacting" if we choose to avoid going to church on Mother's Day or choose to avoid baby showers or kid's birthday parties ·
34. Calling us "selfish" for not appearing happy for someone else's pregnancy. ·
35. Telling us how lucky we are not to have kids or offering us yours. ·
36. Telling us to just deal with it because if we don't deal with it we won't ever be able to be around pregnant women or little babies ·
37. Forgetting everything we've told you about our treatments and asking us the same questions over and over ·
38. Telling us, don't worry you'll get pregnant next month ·
39. Asking us to hold your child or touch your pregnant belly for good luck .
40. If you tell us a story about someone you know who went through infertility, that's okay, but don't use it as a way to tell us that "in the end, it will be all right" or "you'11 get pregnant too" · 41. Telling us how awful your pregnancy was and telling us we're lucky that we don't have to go through it.
42. Listening to you tell us how easy it was to get pregnant and that it was unplanned ·
43. Listening to you saying how you didn't want your kids so close together .
44. Telling me to get a less stressful job ·
45. Assuming it is the woman with the infertility issues ·
46. Pushing your religious issues on us. We need to do whatever we feel comfortable doing to achieve a pregnancy and have already dealt with the religious issues on our own. We don't need that added pressure from others ·
47. Telling us to enjoy our freedom now ·
48. Telling us that early miscarriages weren't really babies ·
49.Telling us that we are lucky we don't have kids so that we have money to travel, buy new things, etc ·
50. Telling us how lucky we are to go home to a nice quiet house.

My weekend-

2007-03-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

N gave birth to a healthy baby girl on Friday......at home! Thank gawd the paramedics showed just as her head was coming out. Now, I'm only hearing the story and it freaks the bajeezous out of me. I could not imagine being there just the two of them. Yikes! Really I'm not sure what to say. The birth of my niece is a huge event, but I'm so freaked out by everything I'm not really sure what else to say. My shock over the situations has really suspended any emotions. Really I just can't get passed it yet.

Ang and I worked on baby shower invitations for Little Miss Russia. They are so damn cute. I'll try to get pics up later. If you asked me today I'd totally be able to go to the shower. I feel strong today. I really need this strength to hold me over for a while. I haven't figured out how I could possibly make it another two years. Truth be told I know that I can't. Frenchie has said that we can sit down and discuss other options while still pursuing China. At least I know that he is willing to talk about it. I've been honest about who I am and what I can and can't deal with. I can't deal with years before I am a mom.

Themes....

2007-03-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

Working downtown Denver, specifically 16th Street, we get a ton of protesters. I'm fine with it. I figure that these are people that feel very strongly about the issue. Good for them. a few minutes ago a war protest just went by. I understand that. What I didn't get was it was an Indian (feather not dot) themed protest against the war. I'm not really sure what the deal was. Why themed?

My grandmother is not very happy with my lack of enthusiasm about being part Indian. She honestly does not get why I'm not into like other members of my family. She is very dismayed that I will not go and get my Indian card. To be honest, it doesn't matter to me at all. I see the world as a giant melting pot. I figure that I'm made up of many ancestries, why just single out one? Besides, can you see the giggles when a blond haired, blue eyed, really white chick goes to get my Indian card. Maybe I'd feel different if I looked more the part. I don't so no biggie.

I do plan on embracing my daughter's Chinese-ness. Still, I think that's totally different. It's important to me that I not push anything on her, but if she is interested that I encourage her as much as she'd like. I don't believe that the color of our skin truly makes us who we are. Sure it's a huge part of our identity, but to me it's really the character of the person that makes us, well us. Besides, I think that far too often parents of Chinese children almost make the Chinese culture a theme. Yuck! It makes me sick to see a nation of people being reduced to some take out boxes, dragon figurines, and red fans. It's really stupid.

Nipplegate -

2007-03-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

So my nipple-ectomy is scheduled for next Friday. They are going to have to cut a portion of my nipple to remove this mole. Fun times for me.

I got a speeding ticket on my way into work this morning. I'm not mad or anything. I didn't play the little girl scheme and cry for him like I totally could have. Instead I owned up and was respectful. I figure that this guy has to deal with women trying to get out of tickets all day long. I really didn't feel like trying to take advantage. I was going 50 in a 35, so I deserved it. The police officer was very nice and took it down to a 44 in a 35 so that I didn't lose any points and it cost me less moola. I thought that was nice of him.

There is talk among the company that I work for that I just can't deal any more. Rumors are wide spread of my emotional breakdowns at work. It's only half true. I had one day that I cried all day and could not deal. That was last Thursday. Still, I was totally social with people. There was a story going around yesterday that I had to leave work early because I was too emotional. Seriously, I got a call at home last night to see if I was okay. I was fine. I was happy even. I left for Nipplegate. Sure, I'm not have an easy time lately. The thing is other than Thursday no one would have ever known. I'm pretty good. I fake things with ease. So I'm a little annoyed. Okay, more than a little.

Room to make mistakes -

2007-03-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

So I had decided to take my mind off of things this weekend and give myself a project. Well it certainly worked. My project was to redecorate my family/tv room. I had decided to go with a brown and blue combination. I had already bought new drapes and pillows for the couch in the blue shades that I wanted. I envisioned painting my walls the same color blue as my room accents. Then I would do a ragging off faux finish in a oatmeal colored glaze. In my head it was so great. The blue would be there prominent in the room, but would not over power it due to my glaze. I guess the problem lies in the fact that I have a great imagination, but that doesn't always work in reality. It looked like CRAP!! I had to laugh at how badly it turned out. So I had a blue base coat. Half the room had been glazed before I finally gave up. There was about $80.00 down the drain. I headed back to the paint store and picked out what I thought would be a great medium beige that would look beautiful with the blue. The good news is that I was right. The bad news is that a medium beige in a basement room makes it like super dark in there. My options are to paint the room all over again (not going to happen) or just buy new lamps (so I guess that there is lamp shopping in my future). It was a lot of work and trouble, but it really did pull me away from my own drama. I liked that a lot. So it really wasn't too bad at all.

Frenchie and I had our Valentines massages this weekend. It was Frenchie's first one. I naturally had to freak him out before hand. It is true that men very often ummm pitch a tent while getting a massage. I also warned him that he must not pass gas no matter what.

Ayden got his first tooth. He's becoming such a big boy.

I've got a doctors appointment this afternoon. I need to have a mole looked at. I'm really freaked out since it's in a very sensitive place, my nipple. Now don't get carried away. It's not gross. In fact it's really quite cute. I'm my sluttier days I had receive many compliments. The deal is that it's changing colors. Way freaked out about that. I figure that they are going to have to burn or cut it out. Either way, I'm not okay. I'll keep you updated on dantdantdadant....Nipplegate!

The day after....

2007-03-16T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm still not doing so well. The good news is that I haven't cried all day. I've turned my hurt from yesterday into pure pissed off today. Ang and I had dinner last night and hung out. It was good for me to have her company. Still, I made the mistake of calling my sister A on the way home last night. I know that she means well, but she has no idea how to talk to me about this stuff. It makes me angry and it shouldn't. I just want so badly for her to not ask and say the same things that everyone else does. I hate to be asked if we have heard anything. I don't know how many times I have to explain it to people before they start to understand. The hair on the back of my neck stands up every time I hear "that sucks". It feels like there is a book being passed around to everyone I know. This book contains things to say that will make me want to vomit. MYG has an LID of 01/11/06. CCAI has estimated that they should receive referral in September. If that holds true it will be 20 months for her. That thought makes me sick to my stomach. We are a full 5 months after her. That tells me that our wait will be well over two years. I'm fighting my own gag reflex even typing that.

SERIOUSLY!!??

2007-03-15T13:56:00.000-07:00

My mom just called to say that my sister N might be going into labor. Really?! Today of all days? Seriously, that's like cosmic "f- you" to me. I must have some really jacked up karma. It's actually kind of funny in a sick way. I really can't deal with that information right now.

9 months

2007-03-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

I know that it's silly to hold so strong to a date. Today we have officially been logged into China for nine months today. I have spent the day in tears. I can't get it to stop for more than a half hour. I look like hell. I have done through an entire box of tissue. I'm a total mess. I can't help but to roll my eyes at my quest to be a mom. I realize that there are women out there that have had far more struggles for many more years, but these are my feelings. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not mad. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of being infertile. I'm tired of disappointment. I'm tired of being jealous. I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling unstable. I'm tired of feeling robbed of my sexuality. I'm tired of questions. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired tired tired! Nine freaken months and god only knows how many more I have to go. I'm not saying that being a mom is going to make my life magical. I'm not saying that it's going to be all that I picture. I'd just like the chance to find out. I've always dreamt of being a mom. I've maternal urges coming out my ass! Over the years all of this has made me understand people in a way that I never did before. I can relate to people's feelings like I never knew that it was possible to do so. I get why there are so many damn crazy women out there. I'm sure that if I didn't have Frenchie that I could become one of them. I have the best friends and family in the world, but they don't really know how bad it gets. Frenchie is the sole person in this world that gets to see me in border line nut job mode. Okay so this blog is my diary where I bitch and moan, but he is the person that sees me actually go through it. There is a unquantifiable amount of trust that goes into showing it in front of another human being. After reading this I'm pretty sure that he'll be afraid of what he's going to see at home. Lucky man huh?

My ass....

2007-03-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the 9 month anniversary of our LID. I hate it. What do I have to show of nine months of being truly paper pregnant? Ummmm...... I have an uncertain future. I have a bigger ass for sure. That's about it.

Speaking of my ass. I'm 10 pounds and 3 1/2 inches less than I was a month ago. This is good. Only 34 pounds to go! I'm not loving the diet, but I am trying. I'm not going to stay on the program once my paid time is up. I'm just working very hard to change those habits that put me in this position. I've been the chubby girl since I was 10. I did not understand nutrition and healthy habits growing up. I saw the struggles that my mom had, but walked her path as well. I'm still not sure that I understand how normal people eat. I'm not looking to be skinny. I'm looking to be a happy medium or should I say a healthy medium. I would ask you to wish me luck, but the truth is that luck has nothing to do with it. I know that it's all work and hard work at that.

It's so nice!!

2007-03-13T12:09:00.000-07:00

The weather has been so lovely. I always appreciate warm weather, but this year I really worship it. The snow in my yard finally melted from our first big storm. This just happened last weekend! My yard seems so huge now. March is usually our snowiest month. I'm hoping that does not hold true this year. I need spring. I need crops, crapris, and sandals. So lets all think happy warm thoughts.

The baby, the mommy, and me...

2007-03-12T13:30:00.001-07:00

It looks like I have Popeye arms.

In my head...

2007-03-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

I can feel it coming on strong. No matter how hard I try to fight it, I'm going to hurt. I'm about to crack under the pressure of my own emotions. I had done so well for so long, but not so much lately. There is nothing that I can do speed up this wait. Most days I even question that it will happen. Every day this week I have fought back the tears and tried to redirect my thoughts. As the wait stretches out further and further so do my hopes. I don't know how much further I can go. I wish that there was some sort of miracle cure to my heartache. People must think that I'm a nut job. I try so hard to hold it together on the outside, but on the inside I'm a total mess. How much longer do I really have to go on this way? A year? Two? It's already been so long and so hard. Perhaps I'm just not strong enough to play out this game with the cards I was dealt. I just don't know how much I can take before I fold. Feeling powerless, hurt, and envious has left me trapped in myself. There is just no where to go to escape it.

Weighing in....

2007-03-07T15:22:00.000-08:00

So for the first time was pretty damn cranky with a lady at the weight loss center. My weekend in GJ was not a perfect one. It was really hard to keep 100% to my diet. Still, I feel that I was very good about it. I was honest going in and told her that I had not stayed on track to the fullest. Even with my weekend I had lost a pound. I was thrilled with this. The chick didn't exactly feel the same. She spoke to me like I was a child. I got scolded. This is something that I'm not okay with. I've paid them A LOT of money. With that I expect some respect. They can absolutely point out mistakes or flaws to something that I put in my mouth. They can make suggestions that would be more sensible for me. It is unacceptable to treat me like a four year old. It is not okay for them to give me attitude. This is my body. If I jack up it's only me that suffers. Is it really too difficult to treat a client as you would want to be treated? I did not join some boot camp type of program. Why would the fact that I did not get all my fruit in effect her attitude towards me? Did it ruin her day? Was she in any trouble because I did not behave? This happened on Monday. I have to run back in today and now I really don't want to. This is the exact reason why I quit WW. I'm a freaken adult already! My mistakes are mine and I own to them. I'm not an excuse girl. I'm honest and take the full responsibility like every other person would. I guess that we'll see how it goes tonight. I had to pay for the program up front, so dropping out would be stupid. I'm worried that if this continues that I may have to muster up all my nerve and say something. This is not something I'm so great at. My mom didn't nick name the "The Gutless Wonder" for nothing.

aforeverfamily.org

2007-03-07T11:23:00.000-08:00

Family and Friends
Because of separation from birth mother and at least one foster mother, often the baby may be waiting for the next caregiver to come along. Once the baby has had time to adjust to all of the different changes and learn who Mom and Dad are, it is often helpful to not only use family members and friends to run errands, cook meals, help keep house, etc. but to help them to always redirect the baby back to Mommy and Daddy. This will help establish that these two people are the primary caregivers and the most important people in his life.
A few months after my son came home, it was clear that he was waiting for his next mommy to come and take him away. He even began to do a lot of "mommy shopping" and would make cute noises for other women and reach out to strange and random women no matter where we were. During playdates he made it his mission to sit in another mother's lap and not mine. To the rest of the world he looked very social, happy, and personable. Our friends and family were thrilled, each thinking they had a special relationship with our son, but little did they know he would have just as happily gone to a complete stranger. Allowing this behavior to continue was allowing my son to continue to avoid me, his forever mommy, reinforcing that mommies are replaceable. I needed to prove otherwise. Upon seeing an attachment therapist one of the first things we had to work on was his lack of stranger anxiety and his use of other women to avoid an attachment to me. We taught all of our friends and family members whom we saw often to redirect his attention back to me immediately. Instead of allowing him to reach for Grandma and focus on her, Grandma would instead say "Hello, Johnny. I am your grandma. Where is your mommy? There she is. Mommy takes care of Johnny." And she would physically turn him around to go back to me. Exchanges like this continued for a long time until he knew I was his mommy and I was the one who took care of him. This is something that can be done from day one to help the baby learn and accept who Mommy and Daddy are and that they are forever. The baby cannot have a true relationship with anyone else until he has a healthy attachment with his mother and then father first.

I Heart China......

2007-03-06T08:08:00.000-08:00

I want to say loud and clear that I am very thankful to CCAA. I am very respectful of China. I just get so unnerved to read postings of people that trash all over the fault of the wait. They always want to toss in a conspiracy theory and point figures. When does it sink in that we are all in it for the children? There is no way that CCAA or China considers adoption as a business transaction. These are children not souvenirs. Yes this wait sucks, but who do I blame? The truth of the matter is that I feel that there is no blame. As much as it kills me the wait is just what it is. I can only pray that CCAA feels that we are worthy enough to adopt an orphan from China. A human being and my daughter not a tea pot or string of pearls like people would treat the situation. It is not a business transaction. It is all very sensitive on both sides. My heart lies in China. There are the practical reasons that we chose the CCAI program, but there is always something more. China felt right to me. I felt it to the core of me. I will wait as long as CCAA says that we have to. My heart is in China and I'm not willing to walk away from that.

Well piss on this....

2007-03-05T15:56:00.000-08:00

Just caught that CCAA has sent referrals up to 10/24/05. This means it was another month of referrals that is taking three to get through. I figure that there is no use moping about it. We'll get there some day. Right? Some days I'm not so sure. I feel a big melt down coming my way to be honest. It's like a perfect storm. My very baby filled weekend, referrals, and my loss of Ayden.

On a side note the plumbing in my building is not working. This is a huge issue for me as I drink more water by noon than most people drink in a few days. It's so gross in there, almost portapotty-esk. I can't do it. I'm about to explode, but the thought of going in their makes me want to vomit. I work downtown where there aren't public restrooms. In fact, you have to have a key to get into ours. I'm either going to pee in my pants or run three blocks where I think the manager of a restaurant I go to very often will let me use theirs. Restrooms are a VERY big deal to me. I know. I know. I'll never get by with the squatty potty in China. I'm well aware of this. I've decided to dehydrate myself for that two weeks. If I don't go that drastic I may die. Well - GOT TO GO!!

Meeting my neice....

2007-03-05T11:48:00.000-08:00

Well I finally got to meet my niece. The moment that I held her tears started flowing. I still think that she looks just like her daddy in person. The thing is that in person she looks just like my grandmother that passed away several years ago. A has her facial features, but with my nieces dark skin and hair she is so much more my little Granny look a like. It truly did touch me. Friday was just us. It was just great. A and I took her shopping and then just hung out at home. I took the baby to bed with me that night. She was such a good girl for me. She started out in her bassinet. I took her out to feed in the wee hours of the morning and just never put her back. We slept side by side, spooned, and in the end she ended up on my chest. It really was a great night. Saturday was just a blur. We were so busy. A and I took the baby to see Little Miss Russia and "The Boss". I'm not going to lie. It got really hard for me to sit there and not cry. A and Russia talked so much about being pregnant and giving birth that I was sure that I wasn't going to make it out the door without a breakdown. My sister is a MOM. My sister just gave BIRTH. My sister has her DAUGHTER. As happy as I am it really did mess with my emotion. Don't freak, I didn't do or say anything to her. I would never do that to her. Still, it hurt like a punch in the gut. I would look at A with her daughter. She is so small and A is so attentive to her. There is a bond with those two from all that they have been through together in the last nine months. I'll never have that. I'll never have that. I'll never have that. On my way out of town yesterday I stopped to see Ayden. He made me feel so good. He was happy to see me. He was a ball of love and happiness. I know that he loves me now. He may forget me in a few weeks, but he knows and loves me now. I'm going to have to put away his things this week. My home is going to change. It will not longer smell of baby vomit. Diapers will no longer line the back of my couch. This morning I reached into the dishwasher and saw my nipple holder. I took it out and put it out of sight. It felt like I stabbed myself. Anyway, back on track. I also stopped to see my parents before I left. Mom gave me Tink! She a family heirloom that my sister N and I would have fought for. I have to admit that Tink really did make me feel better. Leave it to an inanimate object to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Mom had also sent me home with some pictures. There are several of Frenchie and myself. All I could think was how big I had gotten and how damn good looking my husband is. I hadn't realized until then how much I had missed him over the weekend. It was so lovely to be home with him curled up on the couch in time for Rome.

My hairy situation....

2007-03-01T11:00:00.000-08:00

I have VERY straight "dirty" blond hair. It's not too thick or thin. So as you can imagine it just kinda hangs on my head. There is no body to it at all. So it had gotten too long and was not looking great. I decided to have a cut to give it some shape and take off length. So I had some longer layers put in it with about six inches taken off. I wasn't like thrilled with it, but at least it was a change. After a couple of weeks of getting up early because I had no choice but to curl it I decided to even it out. I go in to a different lady and explained that I would prefer not make the layers so drastic. I didn't want a blunt cut, but I needed the option of being lazy about curling my hair. She said sure and went for it. I have to admit that it was my own fault for not checking, but she styled my hair without showing me the actual cut. I figured okay after she told me that my layers were blended together far better than they were before. STUPID!! The next morning I realized after my shower that she gave me the EXACT same hair cut but two inches shorter. I gave it a few days and went to yet another lady. By this time I was a mess about what was happening to my head. the good thing is that she was so understanding that she gave me a mirror so that I could check very snip. There goes another two inches. My hair looks far from great, but at least I know that in a couple of months it will be much more bearable.

For what ever reason I'm a total coward in the salon. I've never been able to tell someone if I didn't like the job that they did. I just pay my bill and go. I'm not the only one. CC went it to get a nice medium brown color. She walked out looking like she could host Goth Talk. Still, she never said anything to the guy. When does our own self esteem trump the hair dresser's feelings? I'm so eager to please their job, but crying in the car. Why am I so dumb?

Oh Brother Where Art Thou?

2007-02-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

Do you ever get those nagging feelings out of nowhere? Perhaps think of something or someone that you never do in a normal day? Since writing earlier about only having sisters I can't stop thinking that is a lie (kinda). The truth of the matter is that I have a half brother (birth father side) out there somewhere. I believe that he is about A's age maybe a year younger. All I really know is that his name is Jeremy and his mom's name is Lucy. I know, so much to go on. I have never met him. I do have a picture of him. That's kinda of an odd story too. Before my dad met my mom he was dating (living with) a woman named Lucy. This Lucy chick was not a stranger to my mom. In fact my mom knew that my birth father had cheated on her with this woman and they had a baby. In the end my mom and dad ended up getting married. Or as we say "We got married" since A and I left like it was a family thing. Many years later my dad was going through some old items not looked at in years. In the items was a family picture of sorts. It was my dad, Lucy, and her kids. The baby in the picture was my little brother. So I do have something. Not much, but I still hold on to that picture. It's not very often that this even crosses my mind, but when it happens I can't shake it loose. What is he like? Where does he live? Is he married? Does he have kids? Is he happy? Has he done well for himself? Does he know his birth father's side of the family? Is there a relationship with them? Does he know that he has two sisters in A and I? Does he wonder about me too? What would happen if I tried to find him? Would he even want that? Truth be told I don't know that if I found him that I would ever have the courage/nerve to contact him. Still I want to see him. I want to know that he's okay. I want to know that he is loved and that he loves others.

This is nothing compared to what my daughter will go through. I do understand that. My heart already breaks for her. I'm just not sure what I'll say for sure when she comes to me with questions about her birth mother. Do I tell her that it's too bad because she'll most likely never have answers? Do I give her the standard story of the one child policy in China?

Let's talk about sex baby...

2007-02-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

We have asked for a girl. I realize that when you have a baby naturally this is not a choice. Let's face facts. Adoption is not the same. China is not the same. There are far more girls available. I'm okay with sex selection in this case. If there were an equal amount of boys and girls I really don't see the point in requesting one or the other. I don't remotely feel bad for requesting a girl in this situation. There is certainly a chance that we could be referred to a boy and that's cool too. It would just mean that I'll need to redecorate (a lot). Still those chances are small and we should be referred to a girl. I love that I get to plan on a girl and prepare her room for it. I love all the pretty and pink. Girls have better clothes. It's been my dream forever to be able to do this stuff. It's all very fun. I can't help but to wonder if we will ever have a son. As a man I think that it is important to Frenchie. It's this thing for men to have that strong and masculine son. Growing up there were only girls in my family. I have two sisters and in family there are only granddaughters. I never got the boy thing until Ayden. I had never changed a boy's diaper until Ayden. I guess up until my little man I didn't realize how great boys could be. I guess we'll see what the future holds for us. I have to say that it wouldn't break my heart for Sophie to have a little brother some day.

Relationship rambling....

2007-02-21T13:30:00.000-08:00

I'm not some shy docile thing that feels my place is to serve my husband. I feel I'm a whole human being on my own. I choose to be with Frenchie because I want to. Never would I want to be with someone because I felt incomplete without them. I love my husband dearly, but it is not an easy thing to be married. I struggle to find balance by myself and to toss him into the mix isn't always simple. I am very proud of the marriage that Frenchie and I have. Give or take we truly have an equal partnership. I think that it's important to understand the value of the other. My sisters and friends have very different relationships with their husbands/boyfriends and that's fine. I don't think that there is just one formula to making it work. But do you ever judge the way a couple works together? I do. Is it catty and wrong? Sure thing, but at least I'm honest about it. What's worse is when you can't judge. You know, when both people are really great and have every right to feel the way that they do. I guess that this brings me to the "bad breakerupers". SUE and BOB are both totally great people together and apart. They had been together and then not together (back and forth with that about 12 times) for about four years. I understood why the relationship "ended". There was no big fault, just two great people that weren't working. No bad guy. Still some times it was a train wreck and what can you do about a train wreck? Well they broke up (kinda). They still talk. They still see each other. They actually have way more sex than they did together. They are certainly nicer to each other. But don't think for a moment that they wont correct you to tell you that they are broken up (they just do it badly). But that's just it. This relationship stuff is hard. What do you do when you love someone but it's just not working? There has to be thousands of bad breakerupers out there. There are divorces and break-ups that you can see a mile away. It's easy when there is a bad guy and an idiot. I just don't know what to do when there is not a party that fits either of those categories.

Made for my SIL

2007-02-21T09:57:00.001-08:00

Made for Little Miss Russia

2007-02-21T09:55:00.000-08:00

I am so sick!!! I had not realized till I posted the picture that I have that bottom righthand square turned wrong. I seriously could cry!!!

My rocking chair for the nursery

2007-02-21T09:53:00.000-08:00

My weekend...

2007-02-20T08:30:00.000-08:00

Wanna hear about my weekend trip? Well there isn't so much to tell. I took Friday day off just to spend it on the side of the interstate. Why? Well they closed it! I tried again and thought that I would wait it out. I thought wrong. So I got up early on Saturday to head over and guess what? Closed again. I was very upset and bitter by that point. I was a bawling mess. I just wanted to see A and the baby. Was that so much to ask? Well it must have been. After three failed attempts I just gave up.

Since I had nothing better to do I made a quilt for Little Miss Russia. It is my favorite that I have done so far. I'm not exactly good at it. I do think that I have a good eye for color. The girly quilts that I have done are bright and vibrant. They are the ones that I think are so much fun to do. I'll get pictures up at some point.

I lost another two pounds!! That makes me happy. This is a strict ass diet. It's not easy but it is worth it!

This is our last week with Ayden. I'm going to miss that little man.

This is why I should not save up my thoughts to post..

2007-02-15T08:06:00.000-08:00

Where to start?

Today makes 8 months since we have been LID. This really could be a drop in the bucket if things stretch out as much as everyone thinks they will. The deal is that China has never gone past 18 months to referral in the past. This is good. The truth is that it doesn't mean that they can't go above and beyond 18 months now. This is honest. I haven't had a breakdown in some time. I think that I'm just numb. I really think at this point that Sophia is my dream that will never come true.

Frenchie got us 1 hour massages for Valentines Day. Lordy, I love to be rub by strangers while I'm naked. Thanks Big Boy!

My little niece is doing well. I'll take off tomorrow to go see her. It's harder with N. She is so far away. I see pictures of the big belly and talk to her on the phone, but it doesn't feel real to me. I truly hope that they do really move back to Colorado. I want it to not only feel real, but it needs to be real.

I joined LA Weight loss last week. My diet started on Sunday with a two day "cleanse". I had lost two pounds by Monday evening. I went in yesterday and saw that I lost another two pounds. This really is a diet and a huge adjustment for me. The thing is that I have to do something to not only get these pounds off, but I also need to relearn to eat. I have used every excuse in the book to eat for most of my life. I'm an emotional eater. I'm a social eater. I'm a stress eater. Since I'm eating so much food today I won't eat very much tomorrow. Everyday it was talk that I would be better tomorrow. My tomorrows have built me a big ass. Every time that I go shopping I have to go up a size. It's never because I have gotten fatter. It's because they have made the sizes smaller. I was shocked to get on the scale that first day. I had gained about eight pounds in like a month! WTF?? My fat clothes have become my skinny clothes in the blink of an eye. I was just getting fatter by the day and lying to myself about it. I can't keep doing that to myself. So I have to hold strong and hope that my friends will support me. I need to be held accountable for the things that I put in my mouth. In this program I have to go in to be weighed three times a week. There is no cheating with three times a week. To start I'm looking forward to my clothes and underwear fitting again. Let's just say that I'm busting out of almost everything that I own. It's really not attractive. Really! Then I'll go down one size and that feeling is so great. I miss the way that feels. I'm not trying to be a skinny girl by any means, I just want to be normal. I don't need to wear a size small. I would be happy with a large and thrilled with a medium. But I'm going to take this day by day and concentrate on that. There is nothing that I can do about my tomorrows if I'm not doing what I need to do today.

We only have one week left with Ayden. It sucks! The first week will be fine. It will feel like I'm on vacation. I'm just interested to see what the week after is going to look like. We love that kid. I wish that I had the words to describe how much we love that kid. I think that it may be just as hard on Frenchie, but I'm not sure that he'll show it. Kinda breaks my heart already to even think about missing him.

She's here!!!!!

2007-02-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

My sweet niece was born at 2:32 today. She is 6 pounds 10 ounces. She has a head full of dark hair and brown eyes just like her daddy. I can't wait to see her on Friday!! I am so proud to finally be Auntie M!!

Today is the day....

2007-02-13T11:30:00.000-08:00

They induced my sister A this morning. Her water has broke. They are trying to give her an epidural right now, but it's not going well. A is in pain from that and is extremely tense. Mom is hurting for A. Poor Steve says he's having hot flashes. My dad is on call and can't get away from work. I guess that it could be like another eight hours.

Catching up-

2007-02-07T10:20:00.000-08:00

Sorry that it's been a while since I posted. It's been kinda crazy.

My sister A's doctor decided to wait yet another week to induce her. A is very upset and I don't blame her. Although I have been telling her that she is not trying hard enough to have my niece. I also told her that she is being lazy, mean, and selfish. At least I can get a laugh out of her that way.

My sister N freaked us out the other night. Homegirl hadn't been eating, she was dehydrated, and super sick. They have got her on an IV, so they'll be better in no time. I really think that she'll have to go on bed rest soon. She's just too big with baby for being such a small girl.

Shane was my date last night to a birthday party drag show. We had a great time. I want him to make some homo friends so badly. He is the most outgoing fun boy that I have ever met. It's just that when he is around other homos he becomes a shy wall flower. I'd love nothing more for him to be in a happy relationship and if I can't get that I would settle for some solid friendships.

So yesterday I had lunch with CC. I had recently given her my blog address so I asked her what she thought. I about laughed my ass off when she said that she never knew I was "deep". This is how great she is. I see it as self pitty. She sees it as deep. I love her for that!! Also, she just had her hair done after a nightmare color job. I have to tell you that homegirl was looking so good. It's now my goal in life to get myself, CC, and Ang together for a ladies night out. These are two chickitas that I can't live with out. It would be lovely for them to meet (again).

Tonight is the recognition dinner for work. In fact I'm going to start my drive over the mountain as soon as I post this. I'm bummed just because I'm going to have to wait to see the new Lost tonight. One more day without Sayid and Sawyer. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it!

So Ayden stayed with his mother's friend last night. There has been some drama as to who will keep him some nights. Anyway, I heard from Tosh this morning and she told me that Ayden was NOT taken care of by her friend. He was crusty from head to toe from eating and spitting up since he was never changed or cleaned. She's not sure that his diaper was changed the entire night. It was oozing with number one and two by the time she got him back. Needless to say that that chick will never have the chance to keep him again. I was so pissed to hear this. It's hard enough thinking of that chick with any baby, but that was MY kid ( or close enough anyway). I don't know this girl and I better not ever get the chance to meet her. I'm not okay with what happened. My worry is that she was left alone all night. Ayden is a little man that needs the attention. What would have happened if he would have had one of his episodes?

Oh Frenchie and I had a good time at his first Av's game. We went to dinner at the place where we had our first date. It was nice. I love my big boy!

Well I had better hit the road. I'll blog about any good stuff, or better.... the bad stuff.

Ice Ice Baby

2007-02-02T08:19:00.000-08:00

So my little Beau lost a bet. So he had to shave tracks in is eye brow a la Vanilla Ice style. I got to do the honors. It was too much fun. I had to clippie his hair back and that was enough to make all of us giggle. It was so great. Even Beau took advantage and played up the situation and posed for us.

I'm going to take Frenchie to his first hockey game. I know that I love to go, so I'm sure that he will too. We will also head out for a lovely dinner. We are doing a low key celebration of our first date that was five years ago. It's crazy to think that I pretended to understand what he was saying through that thick accent and he was pretending that he wasn't checking out my cleavage all night. Oh the best part was that I HATE violent movies. So he took me to see Black Hawk Down. Nice huh? Oh, well it's five years and we are still together. Sure I broke up with him once, but it was only for a weekend.

I have also posted the update on the CCAA website. So this bunch of referrals were from 9/28/05 to 10/13/05. The review room is also up to 03/22/06, so that's good. We are less than three months of LID's away from being reviewed. I'll feel better once I know that we are out of the review room, hopefully with no questions. People that have been questioned in the review room have not received referrals with other families with their LID. They are pushed back a batch or two.

Quick Post -

2007-01-31T12:41:00.000-08:00

In less than one week I'll be Auntie M! How great is that? A says that if she does not have the baby by Tuesday they will induce. I think N's baby will be here sooner rather than later. So I'll have two nieces so in such a short time. Rock on for me! I'm going to be the greatest aunt and if those little girls don't think so I'll buy their affection like I do with other kids. No, I'm not above paying for some love.

The rumors out now are that referrals are on the way. My understanding is that it looks good that they got through to 10/14/05, but it's not looking like they got as far as 10/17/05. I'm sure this is the last batch we'll see until Chinese New Year celebration week is over. I guess in the past they have tried to do a double batch before CNY, but I just don't see how they could now. Believe me, there is nothing that I'd like more but there is just no way. Just a reminder that we are at 6/15/06. That means that there are still 8 months of LID's before us. So the faster they get through those 8 months of LID's the better. I still worried that the 2008 Olympics. We have been told many times that it should not effect adoptions, but it's hard not to get freaked out. There have already been so many road blocks and delays. I think that it's only human to think about it.

I Heart Paul Simon

2007-01-30T09:54:00.000-08:00

Hearts and Bones - Paul Simon

One and one-half wandering jews
Free to wander wherever they choose
Are travelling together
In the sangre de cristo
The blood of christ mountains
Of new mexico
On the last leg of the journey
They started a long time ago
The arc of a love affair
Rainbows in the high desert air
Mountain passes slipping into stones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Thinking back to the season before
Looking back through the cracks in the door
Two people were married
The act was outrageous
The bride was contagious
She burned like a bride
These events may have had some effect
On the man with the girl by his side
The arc of a love affair
His hands rolling down her hair
Love like lightning shaking till it moans
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
And whoa whoa whoa
She said why?
Why dont we drive through the night
And well wake up down in mexico
Oh iI dont know nothin about nothin
About mexico
And tell me why
Why wont you love me
For who I am
Where I am
He said:cause thats not the way the world is baby
This is how I love you, baby
This is how I love you, baby
One and one-half wandering jews
Returned to their natural coasts
To resume old acquaintances
Step out occasionally
And speculate who had been damaged the most
Easy time will determine if these consolations
Will be their reward
The arc of a love affair
Waiting to be restored
You take two bodies and you twirl them into one
Their hearts and their bones
And they wont come undone
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones

This is one of my favorite songs. When I'm in a funk it makes me feel better. I'm not sure why. It just does.

It Goes There......

2007-01-29T10:36:00.000-08:00

On Friday night's episode of Degrassi they KILLED JT! Those bastards! Does it really have to go there in this case? Didja really have to kill little JT. There are plenty more people that I'd like to see dead. Why not Craig? I can't stand that kid! Or maybe Emma? She's cute, but gotten way too annoying! What about Libby's brother's friend, you know, the white boy with the fro? Or did we really need to kill anyone? I'm still traumatized by the school shooting for crying out loud. Can't we just coast through the cast season? I'm really not a happy camper that if they had to kill little JT that I was not given any time to prepare. It's not the first time in my two decades of Degrassi that I have been this upset. Seriously, the Kevin Smith disappointment was just too much. You take two of my favorite things in this world and combine them and it's going to be amazing right? Um NO! The story line was so stupid and my Kevin Smith was neutered. Don't think for a second that I don't know how I sound going on my rant. Degrassi is a Canadian teen soap that I have been addicted to since before I was a teenager. When the came out with the next generation I knew that I was screwed. It's a really well written show. I think that it's smart and I think that it matters. They really do try to cover as many topics that kids face today. I don't care that I'm probably the only adult out there glued every week. I'm actually not embarrassed at all. I get way too involved because it's so damn good!

So speaking of Kevin Smith, Ang and I went to see Catch and Release this weekend. The movie is supposed to take place in Boulder. Okay fine what ever. There was a group of CU girls sitting behind us in the theater. I'm fine with a little leaning over on occasion and whisper a snipit. Hell, I do it!! These girls were full on talking through the ENTIRE thing. In fact you could hear the lisp that one of them had. I swear they had to talk about EVERYTHING and at slightly louder than normal speaking voice. Every scene they had to exclaim that they knew where that was. The best part was that they only spent a short time filming in Boulder. The majority of the movie was filmed in Canada you little whores! The best part was that there was a baby that cried for about five seconds in the audience. They bitched and carried on about how rude that was to bring a baby that would disrupt the movie. So I have decided to hire a private investigator to find these girls. My new goal in life is to go and ruin every freakin flick they go see for the next five years!!

So I have some great news, my sister A is giving her soon to baby girl the same middle name as mine!! It's silly but I'm so super excited by that. It may not naming her after me, but I'm so hard up for it that I'll take whatever I can get.

Chick Magnet

2007-01-25T09:39:00.000-08:00

So here are pics of our BFF Ayden. Yes, ladies I'm the lucky girl that gets to love on him and kiss him all over. I have to admit that Frenchie does not get as much action with me. It's not my fault Ayden is just far to irresistible!

Bad Day..

2007-01-22T09:59:00.000-08:00

My heart is a little broken today. This wait hurts so bad. I feel like I'm suffocating in it. I just want to breath. At the same time that I'm hurting I'm still have to fight for my decisions. There are still those people out there that believe that we should have pursued another adoption path. I get so sick of hearing it. Why is it that the people uneducated about any type of adoption are the ones with the most opinions? It's already too hard, why do people that say that love you want to make it any more difficult? I'm not going to suddenly change my mind and do what YOU think that I should so please stop. We are just over 7 months LID. Back when we first started the process I thought that was so much, now it's really not. I often try to think back on every bad thing that I have ever done. I guess the pain is easier to understand if there is a reason for it. Like all the bad things that I have ever done are forming this punishment. I can't just think that it was totally random that both Frenchie AND I ended up being infertile. Yes, I know that I'm up to my eyeballs in self-pitty today.

Awards Dinner

2007-01-18T07:59:00.000-08:00

I just got a call from my president here at work (my boss's boss). He wanted to let me know that I will be receiving an invitation to our annual recognition dinner. This is a pretty big deal in our company. In the past all employees voted as to who should be given special recognition with at an awards dinner. This year has been changed and now your vote comes from upper management and not your peers. I have been very fortunate in the past and have been invited like six or seven times at this point. Last year was the best. My boss was given like a best boss award for a letter that I had written about him. They read it out loud and it was so great. That little man grew a foot that night. We are close friends, but not touchy feelie. I can tell you how many times he wanted a hug that night. It was good for me to be able to do something for him that showed how much I love him. Because I do. He's my boss, my friend, my enemy, and that brother I never really wanted. Anyway, so I feel so aggravated. I was actually searching for jobs on-line when my president called me. That's so wrong. It's not upper management that I have beef with in my job. It's the job itself, the fact that there is way too much for one person, and Fartman. I loathe Fartman. For what ever reason he has decided that he needs to have something to do with my job. Does he want to help me? Um no. Does he have any clue as to what he's talking about? Um no. He's actually just making my life much worse. Claims that we do not do as much as we could. Proceeding forward with everything this company believes is wrong. I'm not going to say that I hate him, because who says hate. I will say that he is the closest person on this planet to that word that I feel that way about. And the cherry on top is that he truly feels that my boss and president pale in comparison to him. He talks shit about them, goes behind their backs, and that sneaky SOB is tries to undermine everything that they do. I despise him. I have figured out a way for my life to be so much better. I want them to tell me that Fartman will be taking over my department. I would not hesitate for a second to quit. It's not like my boss would be mad at me that way. There is no guilt there. Screw being a coward about quiting in that case, I would totally have the balls to do it. Company wide people would understand since everyone feels the exact same way. I'm just not sure how to feel about the invite. Of course, I'm very pleased that I would be invited. On the other hand I know that I will be pushed to the point of rage by the end of the day. My mind is going through this love/hate thing right now.

McJackass

2007-01-17T07:02:00.000-08:00

So lets be honest, I'm a hag. Sexuality is not a big deal to me. I figure that you love who you love and you should go on with your bad self. I don't care for those that would hate another person because of who they are attracted to. So I'm really bummed about Isaiah Washington (Burke/Grey's Anatomy) and his big stupid mouth. Why would he say the f-word when he was trying to convince the press that he didn't? I really didn't want to believe that he was that guy.

My Weekend

2007-01-16T13:38:00.000-08:00

I had a great weekend despite the fact that I had to spend a few hours at work to start it off. Ang and I went to see Stomp the Yard on Saturday. It was a guilty pleasure movie. It was so great to hang out with her. I'd really missed that. Frenchie and I continued things on Sunday seeing Children of Men. It was good but very dark and sad. We bought a totally cute lamp and a upholstered pink rocking chair with an ottoman for the nursery. It made me feel so good to get something new. It's important to me that there is a room in our home that tells us that we will have a daughter. It's also important that I take my time, not just because I need it to be perfect. It will still be a year or more until we even get a picture, so to have a finished nursery would kill me. I met back up with Ang to see Alpha Dogs yesterday. It was so good that it surprised me.

Today at work has been, oh lets say hell! I had a great few days. I really felt like me again this weekend. Now, it's back to being stressed and on the edge of a cliff. I'm not sure if it's me that can't break away from the job or the job can't breakaway from me. Either way it sucks. I almost wish that they would just let me go. The sad part is that I would have to resort to illegal activity for them to do so. They would be jacked if they let me go, so I'm not seeing that happening any time soon. I'm just not sure that I have courage to leave on my own. I've had this job for almost a third of my life. This is my security blanket. It may be something that I hate, but it's something that I know. I would tell anyone else to quite and find something that made them happy. Still, I don't have the guts to do it. I think that pisses me off more than anything.

Just bitching about work.....

2007-01-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

Wheeewww.... This week has almost killed me. I'm stretched too far and about to crack. I am the only person in my company that does what I do. We have over 30 locations that rely on me to take care of them. The issue is that there is more work than one person can possibly do. Everyone wants to be placed in my first priority slot all the time. Then there is the added pressure of new projects and products. I'm expected to not only keep up with it all but to be an expert at ever angle. It's just too much. I don't want to say that my issues are ignored, but it's fair to say that nothing has been addressed by management. There are always promises of developments that will reduce my work flow. I'm not going to hold my breath. My boss is located in GJ about 4 hours from here. I have no problem working on my own. In fact I really like it. I just hate to be forgotten. I'm not seen and there for easily forgotten. Yes, I do see motherhood as my ticket out of here. It would be stupid for me to commute an hour and a half every day. It would not be fair to anyone if I came home to my daughter the way I come home now. My hope is that I'll be a stay at home mom until she's ready to go to school. If that does not work out for us then I'll get a part-time job close to home. I will not come back here. I'm not saying that I work for a bad company, but it's truly not as perfect as they would lead you to believe. In the beginning I sipped the kool-aid out of peer pressure. My beloved Shane felt at the time that it was prestigious to work for this company. At one point in time he told Ang that she was not company material. For years he drank it all up. I truly believe that if he had not been let go he would still feel the same way. I guess that I can see both the good and bad of this place. I see what connection and money will force us into doing. So really, unless that kool-aid is spiked just keep it away from me. I thank this company for allowing me to become what I am in my feild. There aren't many people that have such a cushion to fall back on. Still, this is not what I ever really dreamt I would do. Half the time, people including my own family, have no idea what I do for a living. So until that motherhood position opens up for me, I'll be here. I'll be overly stressed. I'll be under paid. I'll be dreaming of walking out the door.

Denied!

2007-01-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to my local blood donation center. I donate on a regular basis. In fact I belong to the Gallon Club since I have given over a gallon to this center. So last night I go in to give and I was denied! Me! I guess my count was too low or whatever so they sent me packing. I had to do the walk of shame, or at least it felt that way. This REALLY bothered me. It's important to me to donate every time that I can. My Mom has required blood many times over. She was sick for years due to her kidney failer. Thankfully, her best friend Dianne gave her a kidney. Pretty amazing huh? Anyway, I may not have been able to give a kidney but it's a big deal to do what I can. My blood type is O- (the universal donor) so it's especially important that I do so. Walking out that door unable to give made me feel awful about myself. I'm hoping to give it another shot in the next couple of weeks. Lots of red meat for me I guess. I know there are a ton of people out there that have never donated. I really encourage everyone to do so if you can. I understand that there are religous issues and even fear issues that can prevent you from doing so. If you just haven't thought much about it please do. It's really not so bad at all. Besides, half the fun of it is answering the crack ho questions. No I have not sold sex for drugs. No I have not paid for sex with drugs. No I have not had sex with anyone that has paid for sex with drugs. I love them. Oh and the nurses love to gossip about people who have answered yes. I guess people break down and admit to every dirty little thing that they have ever done. I should also address that I do NOT agree with the whole not allowing gay men to donate thing. It's not 1982 and we do not have the same misconception that we did back then. It really does shock and amaze me that it's still out there. I have only known one person that had HIV and he was a married STRAIGHT man.

This and That...

2007-01-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

So the Paula Zahn / CNN thing wasn't what I had hoped. At least it was addressed. I just hate all the negative media that I see. People assume some pretty stupid stuff. So I guess the lesson of the day is to spout uneducated and rediculous statements across the media, but don't you dare say anything negative about something that is important to me.

Yesterday I got the confirmation to what I believed would happen. Ayden and his mom are moving. It shouldn't be for a couple of months, but it will happen. I'm torn about this. It will be the best for them. Still, Fenchie and I are going to miss him so much. It's going to hit us hard once it happens. Ang was worried about me becoming too attached to Ayden and having him "taken away". She was right, I have become too attached. The thing is that I wouldn't change that for anything. I love our BFF. No regrets. We have never made the mistake believing that he was ours. Still, we have given him all the love and affection as if he was. I'm glad that we had this time with him.

We will be facing yet another storm by the end of the week. It will be the 4th week in a row. We sure are getting our asses kicked here in Denver! I have become a better driver in snow and icey conditions. That is always a good thing. I have made a kit just in case I get stuck in my car over night. That's good too.

Update - Paula Zahn / CNN

2007-01-08T14:34:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to let you know that Paula Zahn / CNN will be revisiting the issues brought up about Chinese adoption. They have been bombarded with calls and e-mails upset over the panel. Tonight's show will have actual people involved in Chinese adoption. I am very excited to see the show. It's not that everyone has to agree with it, but understand goes a long way. I am happy that Paula Zahn / CNN is responding and trying to give this discussion a proper panel.

Six things...

2007-01-08T10:26:00.000-08:00

Over it...
1. Paris, Lindsay, Nichole, and Brittany - Why do people care about what these scanks do or say?
2. Donald and Rosie - They are both errogant, egotistical, and annoying.
3. American Idol - No more PLEASE! Pretty please?
4. Oprah - I really don't get it.
5. Mel and Kramer - I don't care for anyone that spews hate.
6. Jamie Fox and Kanye West - See #2

Can't get enough of it...
1. Lost - Yummy Sayid and Sawyer!!
2. Kevin Smith - He's vulger, crude, and makes me laugh my ass off.
3. Jennifer Hudson - I plan to kidnap her, lock her in a giant cage, and make her sing to me on command.
4. Dave Matthews - Sing dirty to me!
5. Kate Winslet - Someday, when I become a lesbian I'm toatlly stalking you.
6. Matthew McConaughey - Yes, shirts are evil. I think that your pants might be too.

Paula Zahn / CNN

2007-01-08T07:11:00.000-08:00

Okay where do I even start? Here is the link just in case you have no idea what I'm talking about. http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0701/05/pzn.01.html . You would think that CNN of all people would have a panel of people with a clue. Seriously! Would have been a stretch to have a person that has adopted from China, internationally, or even at all? Instead they had a jackass spouting an opinion about something they know nothing about. Really, there are people that think we are adopting to get a smart baby? I just have to laugh at how stupid that is! Then we are going to get jumped for not adopting or fostering domestically. What ever. Have you ever been in my shoes? No! Then do not pass judgement until you have had to do the research and make a decision about your family. Who on that panel has looked into domestic adoption? Anyone? I thought so. The race portion is one of my favorites from all this. Really, did they miss a race to stereotype?

You know, this is not a path that I ever thought that I would take. I just assumed that I would have kids on my own. Life did not work out that way for us. We are simply trying to becomes parents. We want to be a family. We have so much love to give. We are going to be some great FUCKING parents. Why do you judge us? Why is okay? I respect those that carry their child for nine months before enduring a pain that I can't even fathom. I respect those families that adopt domestically (in fact my uncle and his wife did - love you Zachary=0) I respect those families that foster children (in fact I would like to do this as well). Why is okay to disrespect those whom have decided to adopt internationally and especially China?

This is all that I have decided to devote to this Paula Zahn / CNN thing. Believe me, they are about to get their ass kicked by thousands of pissed off people. It's been seen before. Well over a year ago there was this "Comic Mom" that decided to blast adoption. Her article was full of hate. It was very sad and upsetting to me. Anyway, that got so super bad that I think she is still in hiding.

It's all in the belly....

2007-01-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

I got another picture of my sister N today. She still has another 2 1/2 months to go and she's HUGE. Normally she's built like a very tall 12 year old boy. Homegirl has NO curves. I knew that she would be all belly, but to see it is still crazy to me. Please don't think that I'm at all busting on her body type. I'd kill. Really I would. I'm more rollie than curvy these days. N has always been super tall and skinny and A is thin with great curves. I'm the "big" sister in all meanings. It looks like my mom liked me best and gave me their food. The up side of both my sisters being pregnant is that I get to see them getting fat. Okay so I know that it's not really getting fat, but I tell myself that to make me feel better.

Referrals are coming out today. I'm not exactly sure of the cut off yet but it's between 9/27/05 and 9/29/05. I can't wait for people to start posting those referral pics. I have only seen one so far and what a CUTIE! With the Chinese New Year coming up CCAA will close down. It's bummer, but what are you going to do. It's their BIG holiday and you have to respect that.

I just heard from Frenchie and he's liking his new job. I'm thrilled about that. I'll get all the details tonight and share any good stuff later. The only thing is that he and I see the world in very different ways. He might not be amused enough to mention the good stuff. With me it's way too easy to be amused by people that I work with. There was the Man Hater. Total nut job supreme. Everything was a man's fault. The books didn't balance it was because of a man. If her panties were in a wad then it was because the were designed by a man. I would like to lock her in a room with Fishing Vest Guy some time. He only has negative things to say, but he says it all with a smile on his face. I honestly have never heard him say anything remotely positive in the five years that I have known him. Caffeine Boy really dug that about Fishing Vest Guy. Like he always loved talking to him. Caffeine Boy was a great one too. I never saw that guy without a coffee cup or can of coke in his hand. He was a smoker too. Down here on the mall you are asked for a cigarette every couple of minutes. When he was asked for one he'd request a quarter as payment. Naturally the bum would say that they didn't have a quarter so Caffeine Boy would point to random person walking by and tell the bum to go get a quarter from random guy and give it to him. Looks like I got off on a tangent. I'll blog when I have way more time about other crazy people that amuse me.

2007-01-02T07:04:00.000-08:00

We got free box tickets with VIP parking for the Colorado Mammoth at the Pepsi Center. I had never been to a lacrosse game, had box tickets, or the extra VIP perk. I had two extra tickets so Bill & CC joined us. I'm so glad that they did since we all had a great night. The game was really fun. It's really a lot like hockey except for the ice and the netted sticks. Still it's as exciting and violent. I think that we have all found a new sport that we dig. The box was really cool too. I'm not sure that I want to back to regular seats any more. The other box tickets were used by my friend Shayna and her buddies. I could not have imagined a better night with a better group of people.

Our NYE was pretty quiet. We spent it with Shane. We went to a nice dinner and followed it up with playing games and drinking at my house.

Frenchie will start a new job downtown tomorrow. I think that it's okay to say now that he was laid off of work just over two weeks ago. He did receive enough severance to get us by for a little while, but it was still very stressful. Growing up my Dad got laid off the job several times. The stress from that during my childhood has made me a bit freakish about security. I did have a couple of small break downs, but nothing too major. I was pretty happy with that. I do have to mention how smart my big boy is. I have never seen so much interest so quickly for anyone. He sent his resume out and instantly people were calling in droves. I can't believe how quickly he got a job. Really we went through two major storms that shut down the city plus Christmas. I am so proud to be married to the guy that everyone wants. Even once he excepted the new job employers were still calling him for other positions. He's been the prom queen for a couple of weeks and that has been great for him. He really is excited to start the new job. He has hated not working these last couple of weeks.

The Storm Part Deaux!

2006-12-29T09:40:00.000-08:00

Well we are in the middle of yet another huge storm. The good news is that people are staying home and safe. There is almost no traffic, so for those of us that had to work today it really wasn't so bad. It's a different kind of snow this week. Last week it was dry and windy. That caused white out conditions and massive snow drifts. This go round the snow it's really wet and the wind has not picked up too bad. I have to admit that it's really beautiful. The trees are stunning. Six Flags was even such a display on my way in to downtown. Really just breath taking. I wish that I had a camera on me to take a picture of the view from my office window. I work in downtown Denver on the 16th St Mall. My window over looks the mall and it's certainly a view today that I can't get enough of.

Since we have had all this snow there are many snowmen in my neighbourhood. I can't help but to imagine building one with Sophia. It's the little things like snowmen that excite me thinking about her. Don't get me wrong, I am very firmly grounded in the reality of being a parent. It's not all snowmen and joy. I understand that. On the other hand it's not all hard, there are snowmen moments in being a parent that have to be amazing. I may live in that imaginary world from time to time and I'm good with that. I think that we all need little happy thoughts to balance out our lives.

In other news, I talked to my sister N last night. For such a long time she was avoiding me. She thought that by talking about the up coming baby that it would hurt me. I think that maybe she understands that it's all okay. I love both of my sisters big time. I am overly excited about being a real aunt. I'm not sure if I have mentioned it or not but I Frenchie and I even have silly little names that we want to be called as an aunt and uncle. It's not something that I think, it's that I KNOW that I am going to be the favorite aunt. I am far too happy to make an ass of myself entertaining kids. In fact, that's when I'm the happiest. So for N to think that I would get upset talking about a new blessing to our family was just goofy. I'm happy that we can resume a normal relationship with each other. It's important to me that I stay close with my sisters. I wasn't ever close to A until the last couple of years. These days I can't go for more than a couple of days without chatting with her. She has totally become one of my best friends. With N it's been the opposite. She and I were SO close and then had a falling out. We have kissed and made up since then, but has never been the same as it was. I truly hate that. Still, I want to keep working to get us back to where we were. It's a big deal. We may all be adults, but I still take my job as the big sister seriously. I'll be 92 and feel the same way.

Dossier and Matching Room Pics!

2006-12-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

I thought that this was cool. Here are a couple of pics from the new CCAA building in China. You see all those files? Those are all dossiers. Just a reminder that a dossier is a file that represents each family. It's kinda sad to see my hopes and dreams sitting on a shelf. On the other hand it's so damn cool to see them there. The next pic of the cube farm is the matching room. These are the lovely ladies and gentlemen that match each family to a child. Do you think that they realize that they determine the future. They are the ones that decide what little girl is my Sophia. They must have the best job ever. They make families. They will someday make mine. I can't help but to have some sort of crazy affection for them. Anyway, thought that these were cool and wanted to share.

Our Parenting Plan......

2006-12-28T07:02:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago Mom and I were having a discussion about Ayden. I had mentioned that he is held by us and his mom for the most part. With us he is only down for about 10 to 20 minutes a night and then when he's in a deep sleep. My mom was kinda freaked by this and wanted us to know that we should put the baby down so that he'll learn. She followed that up with Frenchie and I needed to learn as well for Sophia.

I'm not trashing my mom at all. This is how typical parenting in our country works. I'm not disputing that it's a bad thing or wrong in any way shape or form. The thing is that Frenchie and I are going to have to parent our baby differently. Our circumstances are going to be very different from most people that have their baby from birth. We'll have a baby that has most likely been in an orphanage for months after being abandoned. So what I have decided to do is toss in a few articles in every once in a while to help my friends and family understand why we may do things that our society finds very wrong. I know that there will be a lot of negative things said about the way we will do things, but I can't let that get to me. We will be doing these things for a reason. Our attachment is far more important that any one's opinion. I'm not trying to offend, just educate on what we'll be facing.

Promoting Attachment in Adopted Infants by Jessica Jerard
The following are recommendations from therapists and parents to help infants develop secure attachment to parents. Babies with attachment problems may be quite resistant and unresponsive for a while, and eliciting eye contact, smiles and cuddles may need a great deal of perseverance from parents. Most parents will naturally do some of these activities, but other practices are quite different from the normal American customs for older babies. New parents may wish to try them for the first weeks to promote rapid and secure attachment, and to minimize possible long-term problems, even if the baby appears to be bonding well. These practices would be beneficial for any newly-adopted baby.These activities encourage the baby to regress to early infancy, and experience the situations which build attachment from birth. Parents recreate the attachment cycle deliberately and intrusively, actively discouraging the independence and separation which is age-appropriate in normally developing birthchildren.. They create frequent situations where they interact intensely with the baby. Parents try to be extremely alert to the baby's signals, responding quickly and consistently. Parents do not deny that the baby has suffered trauma, but are empathetic.
1. Ease the trauma of transition as far as possible. In some countries, you can visit the baby in the orphanage several times before taking him or her away, but in others, the baby is abruptly taken and handed over to the parent's care. The total sensory impact of this sudden removal from familiar sights, smells, sounds and textures is often traumatic. Anything you can do to provide continuity can help. Ask about the baby's routines, likes and dislikes. Some parents have been able to send a receiving blanket or soft toy beforehand to the orphanage with their own body scent on it (sleep with it under your nightwear) so the baby recognizes them by smell. Even if washed on return, it will have the familiar smell of the orphanage to comfort the baby. When you receive the baby, leave the original clothing on for the first few hours if possible, keep at least one piece of clothing if permitted (take new clothes to exchange) and keep it, unwashed, in the crib for a few days. Keep the baby on the formula and foods given in the orphanage for at least a few days, and make the transition to new formula gradual. A tape or CD of lullabies or other singing in the baby's native language can calm and comfort the baby. Once at home, an unvarying and predictable daily routine will help your baby feel more safe and secure.
2. Focus on building the relationship with the mother (father if adopting as a single parent, of course). The mother needs to establish her dominance as parent. Only the mother should do the feeding, and should do much of the holding and play. This may seem hard, but this primary bond is crucial for normal emotional development. Let no one else hold the baby except the parents, even at the airport on your triumphant arrival home!! Isolate yourselves with the baby at home for the first week or two, with as few visitors as possible. Do not let visitors hold the baby. Mothers can use the same baby soap, shampoo and lotion, to bond through the baby's sense of smell.
3. Feeding is very important in building attachment. Orphanage babies are usually accustomed to holding their bottle themselves, or may be weaned from the bottle already. Experts strongly recommend returning to bottle-feeding. The mother should always hold the bottle, holding the baby in the classic cuddling position and get eye contact all the time while feeding, if necessary by stroking the baby's cheek, or talking to attract attention. Do not allow the baby to bottle-feed himself or herself. Let the baby continue to bottle-feed this way well into the second year, and beyond if necessary, regardless of the standard advice of pediatricians to stop bottle feeding at 12 months. The baby needs this bonding experience. (clean teeth afterwards to avoid decay in toddlers)When the baby is eating solids, the mother should always feed him or her herself. Do not encourage early independence in self-feeding. Hold the baby on your lap if possible, with eye contact. If the baby must be in a high chair, keep it very close to you, between parents if possible, and touch him or her often, use lots of eye contact and conversation. If the child insists on self-feeding, play interactive, reciprocal feeding games - you put a Cheerio in her mouth, she puts one in your mouth.
4. Lots of physical contact is very important. Orphanage babies are typically severely deprived of physical contact. Hold and carry the baby as much as possible. Cuddle, caress, stroke and rock, gentle wrestling and tickling are fine if not over-stimulating. Cuddling the baby with eye contact while rocking her or him in a rocking chair is very beneficial: some therapists advise scheduling a half-hour rocking time a day. Use a baby sling or cloth carrier ( Snuggly, etc) to carry her or him facing inwards against your body, wear the baby all day while you go about household tasks. Obviously, you will need to use a car seat while driving, but when you get to your destination, do not carry the baby about in the plastic baby carrier, but hold him or her in your arms, or against your body in a cloth baby carrier. If you do use a stroller, get one that reverses, so the baby faces you. Wear soft clothing without hard belts and buttons. Maximize skin-to skin contact by both wearing short sleeves, holding the naked infant against your bare skin at times and enjoying warm baths or swimming together, or going to infant swimming classes. Massaging the baby with baby oil is very beneficial.
5. Engage in frequent playful interaction with your baby. Do not leave the baby to entertain herself or himself for long periods. All of the traditional "baby games' are great: pat-a-cake, blowing "raspberries", peek-a-boo, counting rhymes with fingers and toes (this little piggie) "riding" the parent's leg, rolling a ball back and forth, imitating the baby's sounds, etc. Play together with baby toys. Swinging in a baby swing is great, if you have the baby face you, and make him or her look at you and interact with you to get you to swing her again. Therapists strongly recommend using a large mirror for babies who resist eye contact, so that when the baby turns away, she sees you still, cuddling her. Play games using the mirror.
6. Night-time parenting is important, too. Babies with attachment problems should be responded to when they cry in the night. Again, the key is to treat them as newborns. They still need to learn that their cries will always be answered. Mom should stay with the baby as she or he falls asleep, rocking, singing, caressing, etc. Parents should comfort the baby whenever he or she cries in the night. These babies typically sleep in the parents' room, either in their own crib near the parents' bed, or with the parents in the Family Bed ( if you choose this option, be sure to follow all safety recommendations to ensure the baby does not suffocate on or under soft bedding, get lodged between the bed and the wall, or adjacent furniture, or get suffocated accidentally by parents ) Again, this is a situation where others, including your pediatrician, may advise you to teach the older baby to sleep by herself or himself, by letting him or her "cry it out". Leaving a baby to cry is not appropriate for poorly attached infants. When a child seems securely attached then parents may want to encourage the baby to learn to sleep through the night alone. Be sure to eliminate medical causes if the baby's sleep is restless and frequently interrupted by waking and crying: ear infections and lactose intolerance are possible causes of poor sleeping.
7. Holding Time. Many attachment therapists and parents whose children have overcome attachment problems believe this therapy is crucial. The mother holds the child in the cuddling position, with one arm behind her, and tries to maintain eye contact. She may talk reassuringly to the baby about how much she loves her, and will protect her and always be with her, dealing with the issues that have created rage in the baby. The baby will resist and rage, but the mother persists in gently but firmly holding until they reach resolution, a period of relaxed, happy and affectionate interaction between mom and baby. This parenting technique was developed by Martha Welch to improve attachment and behavior in normal children, but it has been found to be especially effective in treating RAD, and some adoptive parents choose to resolve attachment issues by beginning to use this method soon after adoption. For further information on this technique, read Martha Welch, Holding Time.

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Like I said, I'm not disputing parenting in America. All I'm asking is that you give us a little understanding for our situation.

Desperately Seeking Sophia

2006-12-26T08:43:00.000-08:00

Since June of 2005 I have been obsessed with information from China / adoption. It started needing information about the adoption program. I read every agency's site in total. I had all the rules and regs committed to memory before we had even "started" researching. At our CCAI information meeting nothing came as a surprise. I found blogs and forums to get personal experiences. I found more and more resources on-line like the RQ. I'm not sure that these things have done anything to help my state of mind. The thing is that I CAN'T stop. I'm constantly checking throughout the day for updates or anything. It's the only link that I have. It's the only connection to it all. When you are pregnant there is a baby growing in your stomach. There is a link to your child. Being paper pregnant there is nothing to link you to your child. It's a very empty feeling. For all this time I have tried to fill that emptiness with any news or information that I could get. But sadly it's not enough. There is never enough to get me by or settle my nerves. I really hate that. I just want so badly to feel complete or even good. I get so damn tired of feeling this way. Something that makes me scoff is that in the new CCAA regs it states that people that have been medicated for depression are no longer allowed to adopt. I may have to be medicated for the depression brought on by my adoption. I'm actually not joking.

Crappy Chistmas

2006-12-26T07:02:00.000-08:00

I'll be honest. We did not have a very merry Christmas. As a matter of fact, it kinda sucked. Both Frenchie and I were in a funk. I guess that I should start out with the obvious. It was three years ago on Christmas Eve that we decided to start a family. That was the last birth control pill that I took. We (or to be more accurate I) was very excited about this. Frenchie didn't really get on the same level until like April-Mayish. Anyway, the next Christmas Eve I was SURE that we had made a baby that night. The next year would be full of fertility testing and disappointment for the both of us. Last Christmas wasn't so bad. We had Shane and Ang over. So close family in other words. It was happy and joyful. We KNEW that it was our last without a child. We would totally have Sophia by now. We celebrated it like it was the last. This year year we were both numb and tired. There was no Christmas sparkle and shine. It was just depressing. It was just one more year gone by that our dreams had not come true. Next year? Well, I doubt it. I can no longer allow myself to get my hopes up like that. I also felt like we were so alone this year. We have celebrated Christmas just the two of us several times and it was so great. This year it just felt lonely. I think that the reason for that is that there was not another soul to distract us or to make us pretend like everything was okay until we actually felt that way. It was just him, me, and that empty feeling. We went through the motions, but talked about how we felt about the day. I'm just glad that it's over.